What is codependency?

Welcome, magnificent soul.

Today, we are going to breakdown codependency. I'm going to tell a lot about my story and how I've been able to break through and begin to love myself. I've learned how to make decisions that are good for me and really just drop the baggage of codependency.

What this has allowed me to do is to live a healthier life, a wealthier life, and a life that, really, I know that I'm meant to live.

I no longer feel that I'm at a loss and the waves of unhappiness don't flow any longer. I'm here to help you learn about my journey through codependency. And through that I hope you'll learn a lot about what's going on with you.

I do intend to have guests join me, but today I did want to start off with a definition of codependency and maybe break that down a little bit and talk about how that manifested in my life and maybe it'll hit some buttons in yours.

Webster's definition of codependency is a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin. A broad definition according to Webster is the dependence on the needs of or control by another.

Wikipedia defines codependency in longer, broader strokes. Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, addiction or mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility or underachievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity given its grassroots  origin. The precise definition of codependency varies based on the source, but can be generally characterized as a subclinical, situational epic or episodic behavior similar to that of a dependent personality disorder, and it's broader definition of codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and who's thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person or even a process or a substance. In this context. People who are addicted to a substance like drugs or a process like gambling or sex can also be codependent.

Yeah.

So let that sink in.

I tried to do some research on how many people are suffering from this disorder and I couldn't really find a good number, especially an up to date number. I think this is so important because the theme of codependency runs a deep vein in a lot of people's lives. 

If you think about society today and what we're going through, with this new revolution with, me too, and sexual harassment. And mass media messages like big time movies and the most popular songs today, a lot of it has to do with this idea of conforming to not be yourself in hopes of making someone else happy or maybe in hopes of making someone else fall in love with you.

We'll dive into this a little bit more, but I really think that this is a large epidemic and episodic issue. I really think co-dependency is at root of a lot of different dysfunctions. 

For example, in my case, in summer of 2017 after going through 20 years of diets and diet culture, I never really felt like that I was enough. I felt like I didn’t look the way I was supposed to look, that I wasn’t attractive. I got mixed messages from my inner circle even including my family about the way I looked. A lot of my worth was tied up into how much I weighed and what size I was. After going through the ups and downs of different diets, I noticed in the summer of 2017, having some really dysfunctional behaviors around food.

I was binge-eating.

If you are one of my friends, you know that my dieting was kind of a joke. If I would go out on the weekends, it was like, “Are you on the wagon or off the wagon?”. And if I was off the wagon, I could have fun and drink and eat whatever, but if I was on the wagon, (I’m still a fun person, I promise), but it was different, a little bit of a different scenario, right? So I had to pick and choose and there was a lot of restriction about what I ate. 

What that really developed in me, was a huge void I had to fill with food. My actions about this dysfunction: I would drive to the store and pick up a big bag of food, sweets, and savory foods. I would come home (I was living with my boyfriend at the time) and hide it from him and then eat in solitude. I would eat most of it all in one sitting and I didn't purge. 

After, I felt so much shame and the guilt.

I felt like I failed. I hated myself.

 I recognized that problem in summer 2017 and I sought out some help and have overcome that issue. The point of going into that story is that what I realized, especially now looking back on my breakthrough and my breakaway from codependency, is that those actions were because of my vision of myself.

I wasn't enough. So in turn that led me to diet that led me to try to be somebody that I wasn't, which in turn led me to this really unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship with food. 

I'll give you another example from my life, my birthday last year.

Birthdays, for some reason, have always been really hard for me. I put a lot of weight on measuring how much people around me love me if they celebrate and celebrate me that day. That love should be manifested in this big celebration and I should feel special. My birthday last year was no different.

My boyfriend and I got into some type of argument. I remember being completely unhappy and broken hearted and I remember going into my room. Just broke and raw.

He stored his firearm and in the drawer right next to the bed and I was on the bed. I was bawling, frustrated. Frustrated about my situation and my life.

Why do I feel this way? 

Why am I not fulfilled in my relationships with my people?

What is wrong with me? 

What am I doing wrong? 

Why can’t I be happy?

What the f$%@ am I doing?

At that moment, I was so done, and over it and a thought popped in my head. This was the first time in my life that had ever happened, but my thought was: there was a firearm in the right next to me. Should I pick it up? 

At that point, I wanted to end my life. I didn't.

I came out of it but it scared the shit out of me. It scared me. It scared me because I had never had that thought before.

That was my rock bottom.

I’ve always been a very self confident person. Although I do realize now that on the inside I was broken. To bring it back, I think this relates to codependency: those relationships that should fulfill me, that should fill me with hope and love and joy and happiness and bonding and understanding. I didn't have those, not only did I not have those outside people, I didn't have those for myself and that was my rock bottom. 

So what I'm saying, I think a lot of this relates to codependency, although I think in a clinical situation, it's hard to diagnose (unlike being suicidal or depressed).

This is my story and I don’t want to diminish drug and alcohol addiction, which is a huge issue in society right now. In fact, a stat according to the substance abuse and mental health services administration, national survey on drug use and health: In 2014, 22.5 million or 8.5% of the United States population aged 12 or older needed treatment for an elicit drug or alcohol use problems.

OK.

No doubt that they have a circle around them who's codependent. 

This is such a huge, huge, huge societal issue. Mental health awareness is really just starting to come to where it should be. It doesn't have a bad connotation anymore. 

And I think codependency comes hand in hand with that.

For me, I am proud to have gone through the process and got to the other side.

So let's dive in to the definitions a little bit.

The wikipedia definition: codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, addiction, poor mental health and immaturity, irresponsibility or under achievement. 

Through this journey, I’ve realized that a lot of my innate qualities have been a pattern in my family. What I've grown up to know, stems from mental health, maturity, responsibility, or under achievement.

I know people to this day that are immature and who can't really own up to their feelings. They act chauvinistic or outwardly braggadocios to hide that immaturity. (Which is one of the big drivers for bullying!)

A lot of that stems from lack of self worth, lack of self love and a codependent enabling that behavior. I can definitely definitely say that, in my past relationship, this was the case. I drew a lot of my identity from the way that he was, the things that he liked. He was loud and braggadocios and there was no room for me.

I had a hard time making decisions. When you make decisions, you have to tap into what is good for you and, for so long, for 37 years, I had been cut off from that intuitive relationship with myself. Something as inconsequential as going to get some food. Making that decision was hard for me. 

So, the relationship that I was in at the time really kind of exacerbated that situation. Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and self identity.

Man, that really feels like my whole life. It sounds horrible to say that, but I can definitely say that even the things that I worked to achieve, have been tinged with codependency. 

I'm a high achiever. I’ve done a lot of great things if you look at my resumé. I’ve worked for amazing companies. I’ve picked up my dream job in New York City. In sports, I’ve won championships. What I realized is that even though it was a great feeling, a lot of the approval I was getting was fueling my identity.

So on the outside, people think that I'm a high achiever. "She does whatever she wants to do and she gets it done." On the inside, I'm not so sure that's me. I'm proud because all of those accomplishments have gotten me to where I am today, but the introspective part of me questions my motivations.

The way you do your hair, the way you do your nails, your makeup, the way you dress, the way that you feel about your body, where do those feelings come from?

If you're ready to dive in and find out where those feelings are coming from, then you're probably ready to realize they're not really coming from you, from deep down.

What makes you feel good? 

After my revelation and my breakthrough, I've come to this place where, I don't exercise to lose weight. I exercise because it feels good and I do what I like. I don't like running, so I don't. When in the past I've, I've run and hurts. I don't like it. I don't enjoy it because that was what I was supposed to do to, to lose weight.

So now I'm walking the beautiful trails in Arizona and I’m wearing a sports bra and shorts. And I'm confident: I walk with a confident stride and I conquer those mountains with my shoulders square, my back straight and my head up. But the only way that I was able to get to where I am today is recognizing that a lot of those things that have defined me in the past, like a pretty girl or a soccer player, athletic maybe, they haven't really been me.

So I have been diving deep into those aspects. And when you do that, you can make decisions about your life, only for you, which is awesome. 

Here’s the definition again: a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and who's thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person or even a process or a substance. So let's go back to my relationship.

I lost friends along the way. 

My past relationship, my codependent relationship. I was on again and off again with him. I met him in 2010. And thinking back on it, I see a ton of red flags, many things that I should have noticed. But I guess at the time we met it was the codependency at work. From 2010 to January of 2018, we proceeded to have an on again off again relationship where we got back together and broke apart four or five times.

I had to call the cops on him once and I got a restraining order on him once and I still went back with him. I’m not proud of that at all. But like I said, I lost friends along the way, which really hurts.

It really hurts because that relationship alienated me because I was only really doing what he wanted to do. A lot of times if I would ask him to do a certain thing with me or go on a date. Those requests were pushed off or not taken seriously, so I was living my life on his terms. I really didn't fight for it because I really didn't feel like I should have to or that I was worth the fight. So I was kind of swallowing all of this negativity and disappointment and it all bubbled to the surface on that night in October of last year where I was just done.

I'd had enough.

This is how it went down with my relationships but, as mentioned above, a drug addict will have a codependent/dependent relationship obviously with the substance itself because it's a way of masking current reality. But codependency can develop with an immediate family member of that addicted person. If that person is always the savior and the martyr, saving the drug addict from the addiction or going to bail them out, etc. That becomes their identity, sacrificing their well being in hopes of saving someone else (even a family member).

This is such a huge issue and we’ll cover it some more on the blog. 

To close, I want to share something with you. it’s called the Epiphany Vault. The  Epiphany Vault is a way for you to give feedback about the blog, it’s a way for you to ask questions or topics that you want me to cover. It can even be your online journal.

If you feel compelled to share, you can leave your name and email address. I will let you know if we address your epiphany or question and will keep you updated on all of the magnificent work we’re doing.

You have unlimited space there, so just dump it all out. If you do want to use it as an anonymous user and you feel better just to put it out in the universe and you don't want me to address it, we can do that too. On the form, you'll see there's a little checkbox on whether we can use it or not and if you don’t want it discussed, just consider it pushed out into the universe, good vibes or at least a way to release some bad vibes.

Epiphany Vault. 

Thank you for joining me.

We can get on the other side. I've done it. We can break through. Let's break through. 

We're worth it. All of us. 

We are all magnificent souls.

Livin’ & Lovin’,

Lilli