Codependency & High Achievement - What are your goals?

Welcome, magnificent souls. 

I dedicate my life to helping others with codependency, breaking the bonds of codependency and the baggage associated with codependency and transitioning to self-care, self-love, compassion, and living in a world where you can really exist the way that you're supposed to exist. 

Feel the feelings that you're supposed to feel and do the things that are right for you. 

Today, we're going to talk about codependency and how it relates to achievement. A lot of the ideas that I get for the blog are based on my experience of breaking away and breaking through codependency and my reflections on why I did the things I did throughout my life. 

I’m hoping that my realizations can help you throughout your life.

Do you know anyone or you, yourself, that is a high achiever? Someone that always wins: multiple awards, someone at the top of the highest sales list, someone that sees competition in everything? Even someone that is a “one upper?”

I’m not really embarrassed to say this, but a lot of that is me.

I'm proud of it, and more I'm proud that came out of it.

In my life, I pursued a career in sales and marketing (a high achieving field anyways), and when looking back now, I’m realizing that a lot of what I did was for other people, it really wasn't for me. 

I really wasn't honed in on what was going to make me happy, but I would pursue things in my career. In the end, I achieved things that I applied for and put my mind so I got my dream job in New York City; I’ve been a national champion in sports. Looking at my grades throughout high school, I just pushed myself, but what I’m realizing now, is I did all of those things because other people told me to.

Look, high achievement is not a bad thing, right? 

If that's what you want to do and that's what you're really pushed to do. 

My concerns lie in questions like: where are the goals coming from? where are the push and the drive coming from? 

It really takes a lot of introspection, introspection to look at this, to dive deep into your motivations. 

Side note, my nephew right now wants to be an NFL player and I’m conversations with him about why that is. Is it the cars and the money? The esteem? The prestige? Or is it deeper? Does he want to utilize that platform to make a difference? Does he love the game of football?  (Because he’d better if he’s going to be doing it for a job!)

Think of people in the news right now that are high achievers: the current president and Lance Armstrong, for example. Lance, in my opinion, is an extreme example of the poisonous effects of high achievement. Lance whose gut instinct probably did not tell him to cheat the system; he knew he was doing the wrong thing, but he was more motivated by achieving and the rush of admiration. His actions probably broke from his moral backing.

But there was some disconnect in him. It’s hard to imagine someone like Lance having self-worth issues. Perhaps he used that admiration and those achievements to fill a space within him that wasn't filled. His identity was so connected to his achievement he was willing to risk everything. And he did.

My guess is he's gone through a pretty rough transition since then, and probably in a good way.

Just think of actors and high profile people, likely, their relationship to themselves is skewed and their self-worth is based on admiration and adoration of the masses.

Social media is a huge facilitator of this. I challenge myself to hone in on maybe on why I’m posting on social media. Am I constantly checking your feed to see if you get likes or comments? 

Right? And if that's something that's filling a void in me?

Is that taking the place of self-love and self-admiration? If you can be aware of these intentions, then you can take a step back and realize that what other people say about you or tell you to do, is never going to be enough for you.

I want to give you a little bit of background and paint a picture, I have a trajectory of my life from an achievement perspective. Throughout school, my dad really honed in on me about school being a competition for everyone that I encountered is the competitor. 

I played soccer and basketball and softball, but I ended up taking soccer all the way through college. I ended up coaching in college. I was trained that scoring a goal or achieving national championships would get people to like me, love me, give me attention. To this day, I don't know if it's truly what I wanted, but that’s what I was driven to do. Throughout my life, through adulthood, I equated all of these things, these externalities to my self-worth. 

At times if I didn't achieve these accolades or if I failed, I felt empty.

I felt like I wasn't good enough or I was very hard on myself.

Even three years ago, I realized that I pursued a sport mainly so other people would like me. I did this to feel good. 

I'm lucky to say that I had done a lot of great things. 

I don't want to sound ungrateful for my experiences because all of my experiences really brought me to where I am today. And have put people in my life that have continued to inspire me and support me in this awakening.

What I realized is that codependency has a lot to do with your achievements and how you view yourself. And how you categorize those things in your life as far as importance or self-love or self-worth,  and even self-esteem.

Side note: In my mind, self-esteem is somewhat of a superficial term, and I am a living example of that. On the outside, I looked like I had a high esteem of myself, but deep down, I had a very low vision of myself. My self-worth was so low.

Self-worth, to me, is binary: Do you, sincerely, feel like you're worth it or not?

Bringing that back to achievement, are these monumental goals driven by you or by someone else?

If it matters to you if that achievement matters to you and you know that, then your self-worth and self-love is speaking. 

Being able to say that today is just so huge. The competition mentality and achievement mentality that my dad instilled in me has taken me very far in my life and I'm now doing mat life’s work here, working with people with co-dependency. 

I think it's only prepared me, but I think the most important thing is to be aware, check in with yourself: why are you doing something? why are you trying to be the number one sales guy in your industry? Money? Why is money a big factor? What do you want? What do you want to do with that money? 

Do you want a nice car? 

Well, why do you want a nice car? 

Is it to get people to look at you, to give you validation? 

Or is it something that you've been dreaming of your whole life and you really want the wind in your hair? That’s my dream is to get a convertible. I love the feeling of the wind in my hair, the music bumping and just driving. That feeling is really what I want. 

The achievement is just a means to get there. 

So, can you think of a goal? Can you dial it back?

Ask yourself why? Ask “why?” five or six times. What you’ll find as you dig deeper, is that the binary self-worth is either there or it’s not.

Reflecting back, I’ve worked for Apple, I've worked for the NBA, have worked for the NHL. A lot of this came from my upbringing about achievement. The company I worked for: if I work for a good company or the salary that I had or the degree that I obtained, but the quality of who I was was dependent on whether I worked for a good company or whether I had a good salary or whether I had a bachelor's or master's degree. 

If you're reading this and you don't have any of those, fuck it, perhaps that’s not who you are and who you want to be.

If you can think of something that you're going for right now, present day, and sit down, write down on a piece of paper, ask why to ask yourself why a couple of times. What you'll find is either that what you're trying to do is really aligned with your life purpose and your self-worth. It's kind of an indescribable feeling, but you’ll know that you’ve hit achievement on your terms. 

I was admired and I am admired and the public perception of me is that I am successful, but looking back, I didn't feel successful. I went through some very hard, hard times when I was at the pinnacle of my success in New York City, living paycheck to paycheck. 

Even though I had beat out thousands and thousands of people to get there, I won, but I was still unhappy and the reason that I was unhappy is that it wasn't really connected to me. I still felt that there was something wrong. Everybody in my life was telling me that I was doing the right thing, that I was doing what I was supposed to do and that I was supposed to be happy, but I didn't feel happy. 

I felt like something was wrong with me.

Recently, I had the most revolutionary breakthrough conversation with my dad. I shared with him my excitement for my life's work: that the rest of my life would be dedicated to helping people and pursuing things that I want to do as an entrepreneur. Whether it be starting a non-profit or an animal rescue organization. He vehemently did not agree with that decision and that choice. 

He constantly sends me links to job openings at larger companies because he wants me to be in a certain position and working for large corporations.

For the first time in my life, I was able to say to him, “I love you, I know you love me. And I appreciate you, but I just want to tell you this is not what I want for myself. I am going to try different things.” 

And he said, “Well Lilli, you keep trying things and they never work out or they don't work.”

The breakthrough moment for me was the acceptance of his opinion because I am strong in myself. 

In the past, his projections of achievement on me and what he thought that I should be deeply rooted in my feelings of self-worth and happiness. 

I was able to not argue with him and tell him that this is who I am and this is what makes me happy. That was the first time in my life that I'd been able to do that. 

It had been marinating in me for a long time.

It feels so freaking good in my magnificence soul. 

My magnificent soul is strong and realizes that my self-worth is worth standing up for. 

The pure bliss and peacefulness that I can walk away from that conversation with a clear head are powerful.

I am feeling whole. 

When two years ago, I would have been devastated. I would have been crushed. 

I would have gone down a deep hole of depression, self-loathing. Those words would have torn me apart.

But because I was able to tap into my beautiful, magnificent soul and figure out that, hey, I don't care what all these other people are telling me.

I’m doing this for me. This is my life's work. I am doing this for people who are reading this, for my niece and nephew, for my family. 

But more importantly, the first tier is me. I am doing this for me.

And that felt so, so amazing. So good. Peaceful, purposeful, and freaking on point. 

So, with all of that, my challenge to you:

If you have a goal in mind it, you're worth the 10 or 20 minutes that it takes to sit down and figure out why that is. 

Why do you have this goal? 

A lot of you have kids, and of course, the family is really top on the goal list, but if that’s the only reason why it’s not going to be enough, you will be unfulfilled.

Write out what your goal is. Ask why. Answer that why question.

Then, take the answer to the previous why question, and ask why again.

Take the answer to that why question, and ask why again and write out the answer.

Continue asking why at least 5 times. 

If you are in tune, and you’ve gone through this exercise and are able to dial it down to something that feels good in you, you’ll know if this is a goal you should pursue.

If you stop short and are not able to get down to why in a self-fulfilling, purposeful way, then re-evaluate your goal,

So, that’s my challenge to you. 

I have a resource for you for this exercise or any other AHA moment that you want to share. Along with any feedback about the blog, it’s called the Epiphany Vault. It's a safe place for you to speak to the universe about your intentions, about feedback, about the blog. Your epiphany, your AHA moments or any questions that you want me to cover on the blog.

You can remain anonymous if you’d like. Use the Epiphany Vault be as an outlet for you. Let that energy go and do its work in the universe. 

It's only good for you. This exercise is only going to be good. 

I really look forward to getting to know you more

We are all magnificent souls and I'm proud of that. 

I'm proud to be conveying that message.

The breakaway and the breakthrough are the best things that you can do for yourself, for your family, for those around you. 

It's time; you’re worth it. 

You're worth it. 

Until next time.

Livin’ & Lovin,’

Lilli