Codependency & Difficulty making Decisions

Greetings Magnificent Souls,

Here at the blog, we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency, allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life. 

My name is Lilli, and today I will be going through one of many distinguishing characteristics of codependency. 

As always, please share your thoughts about the blog, this particular characteristic, or anything you want to share in our safe and open for everyone forum, the Epiphany Vault. 

As mentioned, this is one significant trait of codependency, and, as a caveat, let me just say, that there are many different iterations of codependency. I’ve noticed that my awareness of these characteristics stems a lot from my relationship with myself and as I continue to grow and to overcome codependency these are things that have been significant for me.

One significant trait of codependency in a relationship is the codependent having difficulty making decisions. I’m going to spend some time writing about this in a relationship situation, but this certainly can be true in any other life situation where you have to have a relationships with others. So it could be sexual, professional, or financial relationships, for example. 

Difficulty making decisions in a relationship. Lightbulb for you?

Read on.

We would get in fights about minuscule things like finding a place to go out to eat. That was THE HARDEST THING for us to do. 

Where do you want to eat? I don't know. 

Where do you want to eat? I don’t know.

How about Chinese?

No, I don’t feel like Chinese.

Where then?

I don’t know…

How about pizza?

No, I don’t feel like pizza.

And on and on and on, until someone gets really pissed.

There was a definite disconnect in how we communicated as a couple.

I think was a problem for a couple of reasons.

One, I wasn't able to really tap into my desires which would be the first step and, then, I wasn’t able to communicate very well.

If you're like me, a lot of that anger turned into a larger argument.

Another way that lack of decision-making skills was significant for me was that I ended up being bullied and backing down from compromise. As a healthy couple we should have tried to work together on multiple things, but a lot of times I felt that I was the one putting all the energy out there on compromising on a solution. 

Side note on that: many times my version of compromise would be offering something really, really extreme and in hindsight, this was such a stretch and a completely unhealthy way to go about compromise. Here’s an example: At the time, he wasn’t approving of my professional situation. In short, he wanted me to be/do something that I wasn’t and din’t want to do. My last ditch compromise to him was like, “Let’s just have a kid and I’ll be a stay at home mom.” (Thankfully he declined.) But these were the lengths that I would go to make him happy when clearly it wasn’t a good choice for us (or me). I wanted him just to feel better about me and to be approving of me. DANGER!

At times, I also felt like I was being bullied into having a stance, even having a different thought or value as him. 

So, ultimately, I would back down and shut down. I would swallow that disappointment and self-hate. I would become a martyr of the relationship. I would say to myself, “This is better for us.” Even though, on the inside, I felt completely broken.

I just want to sit on that for a bit………………………

I was being harmed, so much.

Now, I'm learning skills to set healthy boundaries. 

In hindsight, I should have said, “Look, you know, I really feel like that I'm trying to come together on this and if we can't make a decision, maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship.” 

When I internalized a lot of that anger and a lot of that frustration, it only made it worse for me. 

Another way that difficulty making decisions in a relationship looked like for me was fear of making the wrong decision or being wrong.

With the person that I was with, there was a lot of talk about being wrong and blaming me that I was being too sensitive. Or, “You just need to chill out.” Or, "you're wrong and you're just being too sensitive." 

Lots of blaming me and not really taking responsibility.

I really internalized that. 

And that really reflected on how I felt about myself. 

When I did try to set a boundary or compromise, I was shot down or the boundary was broken and I didn’t stick with it. After so many times of this happening, my esteem and sec worth was just being whittled down to nothing. So, I didn’t even want to try anymore.

I guess I just numbed to the importance of having my own thoughts and my own opinions.

So that constant berating and bombardment hit me deep in my soul. And it just wasn't worth it for me anymore. So in a way, I was afraid of making the wrong decision or being wrong because I knew the consequences of that which was, it’s just going to make me feel like shit.

Here’s another way decision making looked for me: I didn't want to appear to be mean or a bitch. For a lot of the women I know, especially those that are very in touch and in tune with their spirituality, this is a huge one. Especially in codependency. 

Point blank, it's hard to say no. And, if I said no, I was a bitch and that decision to say no was respected. When that happened, it turned into the downward spiral we were talking about above, the chop chop chopping of self-worth and self-esteem. Just like chopping down a tree. That chipping away of unacceptance and name calling just killed me softly.

I was been raised to be nice to people and sometimes it was hard to distinguish being nice to people and standing up for myself.

The realization that I don’t have to say ‘Yes’ to everyone is so powerful.

It seems trivial but a lot of codependent people really have this problem.

I'm working on this now, but being able to stand up for myself and being confident in my feelings was such a hard thing for me because I want to be nice. I didn’t want to be portrayed as being a bitch.

Tapping into this, and the realization is a really great thing. 

This is off subject, but think about how important this realization is when we talk about #metoo and sexual harassment. 

The power in this is in something that happened to me recently. Personally, after years and years of experiencing sexual misconduct, I was finally able to put my foot down about three months ago. 

In my head, I can definitely say, and I'm not afraid to say it because I feel like saying this and talking about it is really what we need right now. But there was an insecurity in me that I was going to look mean or look like a bitch or that I was going to be judged on the severity of the incident, which I think that I will be ultimate.

The roots of this run deep. I talk about the incident with other women, and a reaction that I get is, “How bad was it?” We’ll dive into this deeper but to tie it back to the decision making piece, not wanting to be mean or act like a bitch is a major factor.

Okay, now, let’s talk about procrastinating and decision making.

Procrastination can be a character trait or a character flaw.

For me, and thinking about how that manifested in me with decision making, I can definitely say that procrastinating, especially when it came to having a discussion with my significant other, was more pronounced because of my codependency. 

In a way, I think it’s a way to build walls around you. It could be procrastinating about thinking about what’s good for you. Procrastinating about having that conversation or that compromise. Or…..decision making. Like, I’m just going to put this off because it’s causing too much inner turmoil. 

It’s avoidance, straight up avoidance. 

What I’ve (thankfully) come to realize is my whole life has been an avoidance of realizing that I’m worth much more than I think. (If that makes sense.)

Avoidance of my desires. 

It felt weird and unhealthy and dysfunctional. 

And here’s another one that ties into this: you procrastinate because you dislike confrontation.

This is me! I am a huge, huge offender of disliking confrontation.

I've gone so far as to move across the country. 

I've lost friends because of my codependency, which is very disheartening, but it's good that I'm realizing now what was wrong with the way that I was interacting with people and lack of decisions. 

I feel a lot of shame and a lot of guilt. I'm able, now, to better articulate what’s going on in my head. Now, I'm better able to connect with why I was that way. 

Transitioning into boundary setting (a form of decision making), my significant other would set unrealistic boundaries and me, I would set boundaries but not stand by them. So, in essence, he would make decisions for me, because I let him. For example, my professional goals, what I wanted to do for my career and my entrepreneurial spirit was a big topic of conversation. 

What I realized that the person that he wanted me to be, wasn’t me. He wanted me to be super skinny, make $100,000 a year. I FINALLY knew, after a lot of trial and error, that this was not for me.

I would be unhappy. I would be miserable. A lot of that misery would probably manifest in things eating terribly, not Exercising, drinking too much. I knew towards the end of our relationship that we were just not on the same page, not on the same level.

In most ways, decision making is pretty binary. Either you're going to do it and you do it or you don't and you don't. For a long time, I was in this gray area. Like I would know internally, in my gut, that something felt off and that I felt discouraged, dysfunctional and unhappy. 

But the breaking point for me, led me to a place where I needed to get healthy and I need to do it THEN I needed to do it NOW. 

So that was the decision for me to get healthy and to get in a better mental state and to realize my self-love and my self-worth, which is what we talk about here. 

One thing about decision making that we touched on a little bit above was no middle ground and no compromise from your significant other. No desire to meet in the middle. 

It was either all him or all nothing. And I think he knew that. I think he knew that I would back down and back away (SELF WORTH ALARM!).

When realized that, that was where we began to split off. 

Something that comes to mind that’s related and happening in the dating world, was just dating the first man that came along. 

I even remember back in high school when boys were asking girls to prom. There were all these rumors, like, this person is going to ask you…etc, and I remember, vividly, saying, “I don't care, just whoever asked me first, that's who I'm going to go with.” 

No, Lilli, the first man that treats you well buys you dinner and makes you laugh, is the man of your dreams. I don't think so. Now, I am making a decision to not sacrifice who I am for other people and I think that's the big one. 

Lastly, back to making decisions, is the way my significant other would project ideals and goals on me that were HIS IDEALS, not OUR IDEALS as a couple. 

This manifested for me in my physical appearance. How I did my hair or my makeup. 

We used to go out and go to the store and I didn't have any makeup on, which is fine by me. I would rather live my life with no makeup. I feel gorgeous the way I am.

But he would make me go put on makeup or change my outfit or my shoes.

The decisions that I made for myself when it came to my physical appearance were diminished. 

Also, professionally, as I touched on above. I've had a lot of success and I'm proud about that. But what I was realizing is my drive to serve, my drive to be an entrepreneur was strong in me. So much so that I was able to finally make a decision about that in my life and the trajectory of my professional career and verbalized that.

When I made the decision to put my foot down on my career, things definitely went south. (Funny enough, that my SO wasn’t the only one projecting professional ideals on me, but that’s for a different blog.)

There was a lot of pressure on me to go back into the corporate world and find a corporate position and “get a good paying position” so that we can be happy. His happiness and my happiness weren’t aligned. I was finally able to make a decision about what I wanted for me.

I would love to hear from you if you have any feedback, if this touched a nerve, if you have/had an AHA moment, an epiphany that you would like to share. You can share it in the Epiphany Vault. It’s an open way for you to connect to the universe. 

You can ask me to cover certain topics about life and things.

It's really my goal to connect spiritually. 

This brought me to the brink of where I am today and to the seat that I'm in right now and the peace and wealth and health that I'm experiencing right now. 

I only want to spread that to others. So if you want to share your story at Epiphany Vault, I’m here for you.

If you’d like, enter your email so that we can connect with you. 

Magnificent Soul, you are worth it. 

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, no matter how bad, you are worth it.

Your presence is beautiful.

Livin’ & Lovin,’

Lilli