Authority Probs

Real talk - I used to have a major problem with authority.

Constructive criticism used to be really hard for me.

Because I felt very outside of myself for validation & worth, when I was confronted with “advice” that I didn’t seek out or control, it sent me into a depressive, disconnected state where I felt worthless, unhappy, & attacked.

In that state, it was easy to be mad & defensive & place a lot of blame on the other person.

For example, have you ever been pulled over by a cop & immediately felt a pit in your stomach like you are getting caught doing something bad, even if you aren’t?

Authority relationships were hard for me if they weren’t fawning over me or laughing with me….ooooof.

If we aren’t full & whole within ourselves, it is super easy for us to switch to child mode. For me, that came from childhood when I had to walk on eggshells to keep myself safe.

While that wasn’t my fault, that frightened child was showing up in my relationships decades later.
Here’s the thing, do you want to show up as a child in your relationships today?

I saw this pattern repeat & repeat by attracting the same type of unavailable, unhealthy men in my life.
I had to be hyper-vigilant in those relationships because my wounded self hadn’t healed yet.

When I gave myself a chance to heal, present day, I was able to regain love for myself & release that scared little girl of her duty of protecting me.

Healing feels so damn good because I can be myself, forever.
I don’t have to worry about people “attacking” me because I have the resources, support, & internal, self-love to just BE in this world.

I can BE in love with others & myself, not in my mind.
But in my heart.
I can FEEL internal strength & resolve of trust in my intuition.
I can FLOW with anything & anyone that is presented to me.

When I show up like this, my relationships fulfill my life’s purpose.
I love deeply & I receive love deeply.

I didn’t heal alone, though.
Healing alone is like saying to that little girl, “good luck with life!”

I’m an adult now, & I have chosen to surround myself with people that support my growth & healing. By choosing safe others, I choose myself.

In big love,
💗Lilli