Codependency & Acceptance & Reader Feedback

Greetings Magnificent Souls,

Welcome to the blog, where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves.

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up.

We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently. We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances.

We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way.

So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. Yet, it’s happening. Every. Single. Day.

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today, I wanted to talk about the good and the bad side of acceptance and how it has looked in me with regard to my codependency.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this post any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future posts at www.epiphanyvault.com.

 Remember, you can share anonymously; it’s a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

Here we have an entry into the Epiphany Vault by a listener named Lori, she gave her permission to share with you all.

Also, I do have to share that this podcast is one about my journeys and feelings on the subject and should not replace those of mental or medical professionals.

Lori writes:

"For me, this definition of codependency relates to my experience: "Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs." -- Darlene Lancer is the author of this quote

"Control is one of the primary symptoms of codependency – control of self and/or others. It becomes confused with power. Because codependents lack a sense of power in their lives, instead try to manipulate and control others. Instead of taking responsibility for their own happiness, which would be empowering, codependents’ focus is external. Rather than attend to their needs directly, they try to exercise power over others and control others to make themselves feel okay on the inside. They think, “I’ll change him (or her) to do what I want, and then I’ll be happy.” This behavior is based on the erroneous belief that we can change others. But when our expectations aren’t met, we feel more helpless and powerless." --- Darlene Lancer

I am not married to an addict. On the spectrum of maturity, he is very mature and has a healthy self-esteem. He is not motivated externally but rather guides his life on what is best for himself and his family. I am very fortunate to have been paired up with someone so emotionally healthy because usually it doesn't work that way. I am the unhealthy one. We have been married for twenty years.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My father is an alcoholic. I acted like a caretaker/parent to my sister. My sister is an alcoholic and is currently sober, active in recovery.

I am 45 and realize that codependency is something that never goes away and "recovery" must be an active part of your life. It is very easy to slip back into codependent behaviors. Self-care is important and vital. Boundaries and assertiveness and being responsible for yourself are important. Relying on others to improve your self-esteem or to behave in a certain way so that you'll feel good or comfortable is a codependent trait and it's very controlling. 

Many codependents think that they are victims and always doing good for others but underneath they feel helpless, hopeless, and are very controlling. They are behaving in ways to control others so that all will be well with themselves or with the abuser/addict/bully/immature person. 

Even though there is no substance abuse or addiction in my household I have battled codependency for years. I suffered with it for a long time not knowing what it was and then got help and therapy and then relapsed a few times into old behaviors. 

Codependency for me looks like this:

1. Feeling like a crap parent when my kids do poorly in a class, a test, or tryout. I feel like I am the reason why they are doing poorly and if I only were more loving / less codependent / less lazy / less crazy they would do better. (Maybe they would). 

2. Coming up with reasons why my husband is less-than instead of looking in the mirror and trying to improve my life or work on myself. I accuse him of being lazy, always looking at his phone or iPad, unmotivated, lacking a zest for life. He says I have beat him down over the years. This makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel like I have failed at life and I'll never get it right.

3. Feeling very regretful and sad and desperate that my kids (teenagers) have grown up in dysfunctional environment with me as their codependent mother and will never know how to express themselves in a healthy way or how to love and receive love. I have not been a very good role-model. 

4. I feel like I could have had a lot more love and joy in my life if I weren't codependent. Sometimes I don't know how to behave in relationships. Sometimes when my husband isn't "doing things" to make me feel alright with the world I can be mean-spirited (his words) or cold. I have a very hard time with coming home from work and seeing him on the couch. It makes me feel like we are sliding into the abyss of laziness and complacency and I'm thinking what the hell are we doing? We are just existing in this world. There is no joy or motivation or goals. I don't know how to receive love that well but I'm getting better. Sometimes I don't know how to ask for what I want or need. Sometimes I feel like I have no needs. Sometimes I don't want to have needs. 

5. I feel like if I weren't codependent my husband would be different. I feel like we would have a healthy relationship to model for our kids and we would have more joy in our household. 

My dreams were to have a family life different from my own childhood. I wanted a healthy family free from addiction. I never wanted to be like my mother and enable an addict or be abused. I never wanted a bully for a husband. I wanted to show my kids love and I wanted my kids to have a good self-esteem and feel love and joy and happiness. Fortunately I am not abused nor is there addiction but since I am codependent I didn't have the tools to raise my family in a healthy way. Codependency is a learned behavior. We get if from watching our parents and imitating them and hopefully my kids aren't screwed so to speak and can find a way to be healthy in their relationships with themselves and others."

First off, thank you, Lori, for sharing your journey through codependency, I can so definitely relate to so many things you said. I can’t even really begin to express how much I feel that we connect.

I can really feel the love and caring that you have for your family and, also, the longing to feel better about your codependency. 

I must commend you, too, for taking the first big step which is identifying all of those codependency scenarios that play out in your life.

So much of what you said resonated with me: I too felt like I was a caretaker to my brother stemming from a dysfunctional household.

I too completely agree that self-care is EXTREMELY vital, as I’ve shared before, I do what I call my Soul Maintenance Plan to keep myself aligned.

Like you, so much of my identity was wrapped up in others wants needs, and visions.

And, all of those specific instances you listed I completely feel those and it makes me feel crazy sometimes because of all of this self-doubt and self-blaming. Sometimes it is so hard for me to step back and realize those thoughts are just NOT TRUE.

I have to remind myself to be kind to myself, that I would never speak to someone else the way I am speaking to myself. Lori, Magnificent Soul, I am sending you cosmic love and hugs from a place of sameness as we continue to follow our light.

For all you listeners out there, go to epiphanyvault.com if you’d like to share, ask a question, start a discussion for the next podcast.

Now, on to the discussion, as I’ve thought about what codependency means to me, the word acceptance keeps popping up in my mind and I’m going to do a little something different and provide you with some definitions of acceptance by putting the word “acceptance” into sentences, of how it has played out for me.

For my former partner, I stressed out about my weight, my health, my job, my hair, my make up so they I could be the way he wanted me to be. So that I could be “loved” and accepted by him.

I am a chameleon. I know how to be accepted in many social and professional situations. So much so, I lose my true self and true identity. I have learned my make people laugh and like me to be accepted, but what I’m realizing is, they don’t really know me at all.

I accept way more than I truly want to do. If someone asks, I do, no matter if it is aligned with my true wants, needs, and values. 

I accept others vision of me as my true self.

I find it very hard to accept compliments. For some reason, it is just so hard for me to say “Thank You.”

I accept people into my life that are too toxic for me. I do this because have a problem setting boundaries or have no boundaries because I am so distanced from myself.

I accept sexual attention when all I really want is love.

Acceptance of a simple favor is very hard for me to do without trying to reciprocate or pay someone for their troubles.

I organize and stay busy to feel accepted in groups.

So, I’m going to stop there but I know that I am missing some.

As I have worked my way out of codependency, here is what acceptance is like to me now:

I accept this present moment.

I accept that I should be my number 1 and that no one else can fill that need for me.

I accept that because of my childhood experiences, I have been shaped into a codependency cloud.

Finally, I accept that it will take work, but I will work my break away step to overcome.

That’s it for today.

Cosmic love and hugs Magnificent Souls.

Livin’ & Lovin’ 💗

Lilli