Codependency & Loneliness

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves.

This is a place where we break down, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired.

We are tired, but we are not giving up.

We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently.

We have to break the cycle.

We don’t have a million chances.

We have to be happy, NOW.

We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. Yet, it’s happening. Every. Single. Day. It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today,I wanted to talk about something that completely transformed the way I feel about myself and how those thoughts came about.

This was one of two MAJOR turning points in my life and coming to the place of peace that I am now.

And that is the feeling of loneliness and of being alone.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this post, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future podcasts at the Epiphany Vault.

Remember, you can share anonymously; it’s a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

Let’s talk about loneliness…

Here’s where I was in my life…

I was just sitting down for lunch with my best friend, she had recently moved so it was so great to see her.

I felt like I had so much to tell her but I didn’t know how to express it.

Truth be told, I was dying inside, I was so unhappy, I didn’t know up from down.

Truth be told, I had contemplated suicide a month before.

Almost immediately after we sat down, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and I burst into tears. All of the stress, the anxiety, the hurt, the despair came pouring out.

You see, she had stuck with me through the ups and downs of my codependent relationship with my then boyfriend.

She helped me move into a new apartment after I tried to escape from him for the 3rd time. 

She listened to my war stories as I told her about all the bad things he had done to me.

She connected me to her cop friends when I had to get a restraining order on him after he broke into my house and pushed me.

She stuck with me and supported me when other friends got fed up and left, which I completely understand.

So, it was with all of this history along with my then present situation of complete despair that I was coming to lunch with.

I cried…..in the restaurant.

She listened. 

And then finally, she asked, “why do you think you keep getting back together with him?”

I had never thought about that before. I was just so caught up in trying to manage our relationship and my feelings about myself, I had never reached a point where I had become comfortable with asking “why?”

My answer to her was, “I don’t know, I have never thought about that.”

Then, I paused a moment.

And answered her clear as day, “Because I was lonely.”

At that moment, it was like the sky opened up, and I could see clearly.

It only took that question and my reflection to realize that the dysfunction was not in us (although it was definitely a dysfunctional relationship) but it was in ME. 

What I didn’t realize then but I understand now is that there are many more layers to this dysfunction but in that very moment, the mere fact that I was able to sit with someone I trusted and speak honestly about why I kept subjecting myself to such a painful situation was literally the beginning of my awakening.

I wanted to talk about this today because I know many of us to suffer from loneliness, even if we are in a relationship or if we are constantly surrounded by people.

In fact, I conducted a survey of a private Facebook group and when asked what’s keeping you from getting help it was “I feel so alone.” Followed by “I don’t know how.”

For me, loneliness was really the top layer of the onion as I’m sure it is for you all listening out there. There are many other deep rooted issues why loneliness was such a trigger for me.

So, as I was thinking about this, I wanted to try to hash out how loneliness and codependency interrelate, how they work together, if they do, to create the codependency storm.

First, I don’t think that loneliness and codependency are mutually exclusive. If someone is lonely, that doesn’t make him or her codependent and vice versa.

So, going back to my story, we know that the first layer was definitely loneliness. I was lonely every time I got back into my dysfunctional relationship, even after traumatizing and very unhealthy situations.

Have you ever heard someone say, I would rather be in a messed up relationship, than no relationship at all….

What do you think about that? 

Even at that time, I would have a hard time identifying with that, but essentially, that’s what ended up manifesting.

I want to look at that second layer of my situation now, why was I lonely? Why was I so lonely that I was willing to go into the arms of a man who was very unhealthy for me and was just not a safe place physically, mentally, emotionally?

In thinking more about my situation, I think my feeling of being alone stemmed from me feeling alone and disconnected. I don’t think I was taught or nurtured how to be emotionally mature, how to connect emotionally with people and how to trust people.

In my household, there were indications that my examples were not at that level as well.

There was a ton of secrecy in my house and that was alienating as a child.

I was speaking recently to a childhood friend about the secret climate in my house and I asked her if she ever remembers going into my house when we were young and she said, “No, you are always at my house or waiting outside when I came to pick you up.”

How profound is that?

It really sunk in with me how that manifested. 

I think as a young girl, I picked up on those insecure dynamics.

As those insecurities compounded throughout my life, it became such an alienating world to live in I think because, deeply, I was insecure within myself.

So, as my codependent relationship with my partner developed from my familial patterns, he began to fill that lonely place.

But, it was like putting a square peg in a round hole. It just didn’t fit no matter how many times we tried, no matter how many times I talked myself into or out of something.

No matter how much I gave of myself.

No matter how much I denied my self.

No matter how much I wanted to fill that empty space with (perceived) love.

And, after all of this thought, I think the root cause of loneliness is the disconnect from one’s self. 

The inability to fill that space with self love.

The inability to love oneself.

Complete self disconnect.

So, with my codependent relationship, I tried to fill that aloneness with my other codependent partner.

I’ve filled that loneliness with achievement.

With loud laughter, with jokes.

With trying (and succeeding) to get others to like me.

With caring about how much I weigh and what I look like.

With filling that empty void with staying busy and following a career path on someone else’s terms rather than my own.

There are many different definitions of codependency out there. The two that I feel like are most applicable to my situation is that codependency is a disease of shame and fear. 

And, my spin is a complete disconnect from one’s self.

So, to tie everything together, can you see how loneliness would fit into the codependency puzzle?

If you’ve listened before, you know that this is just my story.

I know that some of you out there have been through horrible traumas in your lives that only seemed to alienate you, internally and externally.

If you’d like to share your story, I welcome you to do so at the Epiphany Vault. I can’t even express to you how powerful it was for me to just identify and label this.

Then, we can begin to peel off the layers.

Cosmic love and hugs to you Magnificent Souls.

Until next time.

Livin’ & Lovin’💗

Lilli