Codependency & "Woman's Work"

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves.

This is a place where we break down, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired.

We are tired, but we are not giving up.

We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently.

We have to break the cycle.

We don’t have a million chances.

We have to be happy, NOW.

We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible.

Yet, it’s happening. Every. Single. Day.

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today, in Episode 15, we are talking today about codependency and “women’s work” or “women’s roles” and how I saw this playing out in my life in the past and, to be honest, even today.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this topic, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future blogs at the Epiphany Vault.

Remember, you can share anonymously; it’s a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

As with everything with Attract Health Build Wealth, the inspiration with these discussions comes directly from my experience.

My reflections, my past struggles and sometimes even, my daily struggles.

As I work to define myself, to re-tune myself to MY frequency.

My reflections have led me here to this topic as I make sense of my reactions to people and certain situations. 

I began thinking about women’s roles and women’s work, so to speak as I look at society and recent hot-button topics, it’s no wonder that so many women are suffering from codependency.

Mind you, codependency does not discriminate, I know men out there suffer as well, but the way that society projects women’s roles can be a catalyst.

Let’s dive in head first….

First of all, why talk about this?

As you all know, I have been doing a lot of introspection about my codependent behaviors and I was thinking one day about women’s roles, in general.

Like, women’s roles in society. Which got me thinking about professional roles (and glass ceilings), #metoo, and other kinds of off-shoots of the woman’s perspective, but specifically, I want to talk today about a woman’s role in the household and family and how it might relate, and have some similarities to codependency.

In my view, it’s important to call this out because I think knowledge only brings strength.

And, depending on where you are on your codependency journey when you can recognize these tendencies, we can begin to relearn healthy roles within our relationships.

From what I can gather, there are A LOT of women and men out there suffering from codependency.

In addition to that, (I have no empirical evidence on this), but my guess is that there are more women than men. 

I think the reason for this is the societal pressures placed on women in the home. 

(The caveat here is that men with codependency typically are afflicted in the same way as women.) 

And that makes sense because homes that normally breed codependence are fraught with neglect, absence, abuse, or difficulty: with varying degrees and systems.

And that definitely does not discriminate.

Many people can get embroiled in the caretaking role and thereby become disconnected from oneself. 

But, in my opinion, the over-arching role of women in our society and households coupled with adverse childhood experiences and codependent familial patterns can create a perfect storm when it comes to codependent adaptations by women. 

And these adaptations look like a lot of things: a lot of what we talk about here and now and will talk about.

Things like: 

• lopsided relationships where the scales are not equal (a convoluted equation because it’s emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, and sexual).
• enabling others (partners, children, etc.)
• protecting, rescuing, or salvaging others thereby making it impossible for them to reap the results of their actions 
• And here’s the big one for me: putting ALL resources (in ALL categories: emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, sexual, financial) towards an outcome. An “ought to,” “should” or “will” or some sort of future result. Or, “if only” when you are thinking about something it the past. Like seriously, how many times have you said to yourself, If I do this, then he or she will….fill in the blank….If you’re like me, many times.

So, my thoughts lead to this…..how did my Southern upbringing and upbringing, in general, lead me on a codependent path?

In general, my role was to be quiet and smile.

“If it’s not nice, don’t say anything at all.” was a common thing I heard and in retrospect, that completely ignores any emotions, thoughts, or feelings that one could have.

It’s like saying there is no negativity in the world, or completely ignore it.

To which I say now, that is unhealthy. It’s okay to recognize pain, hurt and negativity. In fact, that is one of the tenets of remaining in the now.

One can be present with unhappiness but it doesn’t have to define you.

Women are typically caretakers too.

And, we all know the housewife stereotype that has defined women’s household roles for a long time.

Although some would argue that there is a paradigm shift when it comes to that. In my experience, this is a founding pillar when it comes to “women’s work,” even today.

We are expected to put other’s first. We always have been. 

And the mothers that I talk to feel guilty about taking time for themselves and prioritizing their well-being.

Disregarding wants and needs in sacrifice to their families, husbands, children, elderly parents etc is what a quote/unqote “good” woman does.

And the pressures of being a good woman are astronomical, yet these roles are perpetuated.

In most women’s lives, WHILE juggling a career, this is their life’s definition. 

Let me just say this, too, in my view, there is nothing wrong at all with care taking for family.

It is such a rewarding, enriching, loving, and fulfilling human dynamic, for sure.

What we are talking about here is the unbalancing effect these actions and roles can have on someone.

These expectations are so heavy and pervasive, women tend to have a lot of pressure on them, from society, and more so from themselves to self-sacrifice and become a martyr in pursuit of OVERLY caring for others. 

The resulting disconnect from “self” is the phenomenon we call codependency.

For women that are embroiled in this, we take this to the extreme, we take on all of these roles and values that come from a toxic mix of society and our family of origin. 

All just trying to be a “good” mom, wife, daughter, member of society.

We are, after all, being loyal to our family.

Let me just stop here and say, it’s okay if this is you.

It has been me.

Again, it’s not my intention here today to categorize you, or me, my actions, or your actions as “good” or “bad.” 

In fact, I am trying to step away from this categorizations because I believe it is an outward projection. 

But, it’s my hope that I might be inspiring you, if any of this is touching you, to take an introspective look at your life if you’re feeling out of balance.

And maybe to think about how any of these gender roles as it pertains to “woman’s work” might be affecting you.

What do you think about all of this? Do you see “woman’s work” playing out in your life?

Let me know at the Epiphany Vault and I’ll see you next time.

Livin’ & Lovin’💗

Lilli