The Control Series: Part 6: Controlling Outcomes in Relationships

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. 

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently. 

We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. 

Yet, it’s happening. 

Every. 

Single. 

Day. 

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today, we are back on the last leg of the Control Series, Part 6 of a 10 part series all focused on control. Specifically, today, trying to control outcomes in relationships, how that looks, and how taking on a burden (yours or someone else’s) could do more harm than good.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future posts at epiphanyvault.com

Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

Also, I wanted to make really cool announcement that I am excited about! If you follow me on any of the social webs, you probably will have seen that I am offering my SoulClass for FREE!  I’m putting finishing touches on a new course called “How to Break Down, Break Away, and Through ANY Bad Relationship … withOUT Feeling Helpless, Afraid or Being Alone Forever”.

I want to make sure I don’t leave anything out, so will you let me know your biggest question about codependency?

It could be anything. You may think it’s silly, but I assure you it’s not. All you have to do is submit your question.

In exchange for your advice, I’ll give you FREE access to my SoulClass that’s happening on Tuesday, April 28th.
This course will sell for $297 soon, but you’ll get special access to experience the course free when you let me know your #1 question.

To submit your question, just go to the website and click on Free Live SoulClass, hurry up and get this in, though, as I am turning it off when spaces are full.

And, on to a listener question:

I want to thank Marv for writing in. Marv gave me permission to share his thoughts with you all so here goes. He writes, 

“Happy Friday! So I listened to the 1st podcast of “what is codependency?”. Before listening to this podcast, I thought that codependency could only be one person in a relationship...meaning one person would be codependent and the other person isn’t. It sounds like some relationships can have 2 codependent personalities. Really eye opening stuff.

Question- is it possible for 2 codependent people to have a healthy, intimate relationship? If so, how? Can a codependent person have a good relationship without seeking therapy? 

Do you have any success stories or advice of how a codependent person was able to overcome and move into healthy friendships and relationship? 

Thanks for sharing your story- truly brave!”

Thanks Marv, thank you for the encouragement, it definitely fuels my fire as far as continuing to share and I really hope that sharing my hurts, difficulties, and triumphs encourages my listeners.

And thank you for listening to Episode 1, did you know that it is by far the most played episode so far in the catalog? I think that’s cool because I think you are exactly right, there are a lot of misinterpretations and even bad connotations surrounding the word codependency.

Even in that episode, I put out into the universe the way that I define codependency which is a complete disconnect from one’s self. I still stand very strongly with this definition and that the manifestation of this disconnect is a codependent connection with someone or, even sometimes, something (like drugs, alcohol, or food for example). 

But without arguing semantics, words and definitions are really just signposts and symbols for these life occurrences. What I think is important to focus on, and what I’ve done in my journey is to learn how to deal with this disconnect and its consequences, which is why I’m here.

Marv, thank you, some really deep follow up questions to that and as I always do, I do have to preface my responses and note that these are my personal opinions only and are based on my experiences. I always recommend seeking professional help should you think your situation could benefit.

I love this question, Marv, about is it possible for two codependent people to have a healthy, intimate relationship, and if I’m completely honest, I don’t know. But, I do think so. In looking at myself, I consider my relationship with myself to be the healthiest it has ever been. I am able to be aware and intentional and have the wherewithal to set boundaries should the situation arise. These are things that, in the past, I was flat out not able to do.

I think two codependent people who are in the right space and who have the tools and support to work on themselves and each other have a great shot at a healthy relationship, but I have to continuously stress and remind myself that a whole, healthy me is the best me and I do 100 percent believe that that is the first step.

Regarding therapy, I am a big proponent of therapy. I think that, with the right professional, it is always great to have a safe space to discuss feelings, worries, every day occurrences, etc

So, if the situation allows, I go to my individual therapy and group/couples therapy as well.

And the last bit, I consider myself a huge success story, that’s one reason why I’m sharing my story here on the blog and working on a book and an online course. And, for the most part, I have recovered through self-study and self-awareness, ups and downs, trials and tribulations. 

Since my awakening, I still struggle with deep bouts of depression and codependent triggers and leanings, but I have learned a self-awareness of love for myself and armed myself with tools to combat these things when I would have been lost in the abyss in a previous life. 

I’m not sure if I can come up with a single piece of advice regarding recovery, but I can tell you that the first step for me was deciding that I had a choice in my life and my relationships, that the only person, thing, event, etc that would make me feel better was something that I was going to do. 

I came to this conclusion after a scary brush with suicide and I think cognitively, of course, you know that you have a choice, but, for me, legitimately, I knew that it was life or death. 

So, I chose me. 

Thanks again for listening Marv!

On to today’s topic, it is a little bit of a spin-off of the responsibility absorption post but I wanted to touch today on taking on the burdens of others even when it may not be helpful for us. 

And how this may or may not be about control.

So, why would we want to do this, why would we want to shoulder burdens that make us feel unhealthy? Like crap? Like we’re crazy?

Do you find yourself doing things for your “other” in your codependent relationship that you would not do for yourself?

Do you think you are doing this unconsciously? Or subconsciously?

Have you ever reasoned with yourself or with someone else that you are “just trying to be nice?”

If you dig deep, do you feel that people abuse your “niceness”?

Is it hard to say no when asked to do something?

Are you too generous with your time?

Do you take up more than your share at work on in an organization? Do you always feel “too busy” to focus on you?

These are some hard questions.

What do you think?

These are questions that I have had to ask myself during my personal growth, because, honestly, for the longest time, I would wear busy-ness as a badge of honor.

I would just do, without thinking about its effects or if I wanted to do anything at all.

I have now come to terms with the fact that I don’t have to say yes to everything. And I have to tell you, it is a freeing feeling.

I used to say yes if I could do it. No matter what it was, I was nice. 

I did not give any thoughts to how it would make me feel if my time was well spent doing said thing, OR, and here’s a big one, what I would expect in return (aka. control, more on that later).

You know, if you look up the term “codpendency,” you will see a theme in the definitions, stemming around people-pleasing, where codependents utilize situations and people, whether by design or just instinctively to try to be the most well-liked person. 

I was a people pleaser.

100%

So much so, that I lost my identity and that’s why I define codependency a little differently. That’s that deeper level codependency.

The complete loss of one’s self and one’s identity. 

That’s the root. 

When you spend your energies trying to please others, it’s only natural that you lose yourself. 

I would, literally want to do anything that was asked of me if I could,

Without thinking about my wants or desires.

Without thinking about my personal priorities. 

Without thinking about emotional or spiritual consequences.

Without thinking deeper about WHY I was entertaining those things that just didn’t feel quite right.

Truth, sometimes I would feel like I was the only one that had these problems. It seemed like everyone around me knew how to say no and just knew how to be happy with life and themselves, and I didn’t. 

For a long time, this was me. 

What was happening were my subconscious motivations were influencing my “conscious” choices. So, really, my subconscious was making my decision for me.

What did my subconscious want?

To be loved, like, included.

To fill in the hole of un-love that I felt for myself.

That’s the control. The control in the sense that, whether you know it or not, the choices that you make as a codependent person almost always have an ulterior motive.

Because you can’t identify and grasp and develop the love for yourself, you unknowingly utilize other people and actions and things, hoping it will do that for you.

And we know it doesn’t work.

And we know it’s a vicious cycle because that hole of un-love it’s a black hole.

It’s a hungry hole that never gets completely filled.

It never gets filled if we use other people and things to fill it.

Point blank, nothing.

And, sadly, until you realize this until you stop and become aware of your choices, why you make them, how it makes you feel, you will be stuck in this cycle.

I was and I almost died.

The kicker is, it takes radical self-love and self-awareness.

I mean radical.

Radical because likely, you are perpetuating the same patterns as your parents.

Radical because you’ve been doing it for years and years and years.

Radical because you just feel tired.

Radical because you feel sick to your stomach.

Radical because you just feel lost and detached, like you’re looking down on this shell of a person.

But, I’m here, living proof, here to tell you, that you are a strong, and beautiful person. That those sick feelings you feel will get better, but you have to start with yourself.

I can’t say it enough.

Give yourself permission to be radical, be abnormal.

What you and I are doing IS abnormal. We are fighting for ourselves.

Love to you all, Magnificent Souls.

Livin’ and Lovin’💗

Lilli