The Control Series: Part 3

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. 

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently. 

We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. 

Yet, it’s happening. 

Every. 

Single. 

Day. 

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today, Part 3 of a 10 part series all focused on control. Today, I wanted to discuss abuse in a broad sense right now. Now that I think about it, I may do another series on the different types of abuse, but today, I wanted to cover abuse and it’s relationship to control.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future podcasts at epiphanyvault.com

Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

A big thanks to Matthew who wrote into the Epiphany Vault. He gave me permission to share his entry with you all, so here goes:

"I am very codependent and need my girlfriend's approval for everything I do. If I don't hear from her I feel awful, if I'm not told I'm loved I start to freak out. I go into hysterical fits and just keep spam texting and spam calling. I know it's toxic and I just finished listening to the first podcast. I'm really hoping I'm able to calm down more and get over my codependency so that I can let her be who she is while she still loves me. Like I said I just started this podcast so if there is an episode that I should really listen to for this problem please let me know.”

Matthew, thank you for sharing with us and I must commend you for being so self aware. I can only imagine that you must feel very out of balance when this happens and, really, I think that the first step is recognizing that you feel this way and that your actions toward your girlfriend are not making you feel great and are unhealthy.

So, I think you’ve made a great start. I don’t have a particular episode that I think you should listen to and because I am not a trained expert and am only speaking from my experience, I can tell you what I did after taking this first step.

After I realized that I just didn’t want to be this unhappy anymore, I completely immersed myself in books, podcasts, and videos about codependency.

It was an obsession.

Sooner or later, things began to click for me. Epiphanies and AHA moments abounded.

So, from what you said, that’s what I would recommend for you as that’s what helped me.

I would, also, keep in mind that, if your experience is the same or similar to mine, there will not be a fix-all medicine or action that you can take or do to rid you of codependency. So, just a reminder to be patient and kind with yourself.

I have been doing this work for about 2 years now and, although I am MUCH MUCH MUCH healthier, codependency pops up when I least expect it. All we can do is the very best we can and I think you’re doing a great job so far.

Love to you Matthew, Magnificent Soul!

Okay, now on to today’s topic. For the past few episodes, we have been talking about control. And different aspects of control that manifest through codependent relationships.

I thought now would be a good time to talk about abuse. 

Abuse, in general today, as I think I’ll do another series about the different kinds of abuse at a different point in time.

But, I really thought this would be a great topic to cover right now because sometimes abuse can be very overt, but at other times, it may not be as easy to point out and identify.

And, again, today, as I have been doing, touch on the different personalities and then, maybe explore why/how this happens, and what we can do about it if we find ourselves in abusive situations.

Something that I never realized until recently is that abuse can come in many different forms. 

I have VERY extensive experience with abuse and at this point, I think I am going to cover them in detail in my new book, but this is a very tough subject for me.

Up until recent reflection, I was confident that had not endured any abuse. 

But, as I read and research more and pull out memories from the depth of my conscious, I realize that there are some specific things that I can point to when it comes to abuse.

Again, I think I’ll pass on the details right now, but I am exploring them while I’m writing my book.

I think most people are aware of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, but did you, also know of mental abuse?

Spiritual abuse?

Financial abuse?

Abuse, in its most base form is a means by which people degrade you.

Control you.

Punish you.

Or manipulate you.

I don’t think it’s hard to put two and two together as to what abuse has to do with control from a dominant personality perspective.

As with most of the codependency patterns we explore, abuse is similar. The cycle from one generation to the next tends to repeat itself with abuse.

I think abuse is a learned behavior that tends to manifest itself in these familial patterns. So, with that, both the dominant and the submissive personality types are players in the codependency game, so to speak.

At first glance, the dominant abuser uses abuse to control and manipulate. I think it is fear and shame manifesting itself through those actions.

What are they fearful or shameful of? I think that is hard to present as I’m sitting here from an objective perspective, but likely something in their former childhood experience puts them at the utmost defensive.

From my experience, dominant personalities seem very confident on the outside, but inside are very insecure. Thus, their abusive actions towards others is a way of protecting themselves surrounding these insecurities.

I think that’s where the control aspect comes in for people like this. They try really hard to control their environment through abuse.

I want to stop here and say that I don’t want to dismiss the severity of abuse by simplifying the whys and the hows. Again, I am coming at you from my experience, my study, and my ruminations about my life. 

For anyone listening in critical situations where they are in imminent danger or your children are in imminent danger, please get help from outside organizations. This is what they are there for and I will link them in the show notes. But, it is up to you to pick up the phone and take actions. Here are some resources.

And to break themselves from those chains, so that’s really what I want to do here, is motivate you and assure you that you can do it. And, that you are worth it.

I have tried to talk to the dominant other in my relationships, and it almost always ends up in a fight or disagreement and as much as I want the other person to be understanding and respectful, it’s just not possible.

It seems counterintuitive but what if someone feels so out of control within themselves? Could they turn to controlling someone else to grasp on any little bit of control that they can?

Even though unhealthy? Even though hurting their family?

Even though they can’t own up to it themselves? 

Like they are emotionally distraught, unhappy with different aspects of their lives, and have such un-love for themselves that they have to “fight” for that love.

So, through fear and through shame, the submissive personality is like putty in the hands of a dominant personality.

Likely, inside, the dominant one will not recognize their behavior as abuse, though. From my experience, it is almost impossible to “talk sense” into someone like this. So, that is my warning label.

The need for control is so strong that empathy is almost an impossible quality trait, and even though you may try to be reasonable, or have a productive conversation, you, as a submissive may likely be gaslighted, called crazy, or your feelings completely ignored.

Remember how we talk about codependency as a state of extremes? 

As a complete disconnect from one’s self?

It seems to be that abuse succeeds when you lose control of yourself and control is transferred to the abuser.

Does that make sense?

When you don’t have the skills, innate ability, or mental capacity to say, “hold up” this is not right for me. Essentially, when boundaries are questionable or not existent. 

For me, I lost the ability to connect to feelings of what was right for me because I was so caught up in feeling horrible about my situation, about how unhappy I was, or how I was going to deal with the abuse (which was usually nothing and just degrading myself like it was my fault).

So, what about the submissive side of the coin, can I tell you in all honesty that I lost friends throughout my life because I was too wrapped up in my codependency?

If you’re like me, you know how it feels: alienating and alone (which, mind you, is the perfect scenario) for a codependent relationship to blossom.

Trust me, I know.

For people who don’t understand codependency, they see abuse happening and they don’t understand why the abused continue to stay in such harmful relationships and situations.

First, let me say that you are not alone. You may feel that way and you may feel desperate, but you are not alone.

Secondly, I want to urge you to try your very best and resist the urge to be hard on yourself because you can’t seem to leave or change your situation. I will go over all of the details and how it went down for me in my book, but let me say that there were times I felt so down and out of touch with myself for not changing things, for not having the strength to just leave and cut him out of my life.

I’m not saying that’s what you should do. I’m saying that I know how it feels to be confused.

And, it took me awhile to understand why I continued in this pattern.

I think on the surface I was lonely, but deep down I was un-loved.

I was un-loved by myself.

And because I did not love myself, I took ANY type of attention from him as love. It doesn’t make much sense now, but I would make excuses for his actions.

Have you ever heard someone say, “He does it because he loves me.”

That’s what I felt, unconsciously I guess.

Deep down, I didn’t feel worthy of any love because I didn’t love myself. 

So, I took what I could get.

I was floating, boundary-less in a sea of un-love just to feel loved.

It seems like it makes no sense whatsoever but that’s what it was.

Does that make sense to you?

There’s a lot of my past that I am embarrassed about, now, because of my choice to stay in that type of relationship.

I know now that it was not my fault and I still have to work to be present and kind to myself.

But, honestly, if you have gotten this far in the podcast, I commend you. Much love.

Some things that I want to close with, if you find yourself in an abusive situation, please don’t discount your feelings or severity of your situation.

If you find yourself having to make excuses for you, or the other person in your relationship, it may be a good time for you to do some exploring about yourself and about why you are where you are.

I can’t say it enough, but please do all of this with kindness, and love, and compassion.

You are worth it.

Until next time.

💗Livin’ and Lovin💗

Lilli