The Control Series: Part 2

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. 

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently. 

We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way.

So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. 

Yet, it’s happening. 

Every. 

Single. 

Day. 

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today, in Episode 36, Part 2 of a 10 part series all focused on control. Today, specifically, I wanted to talk about prioritizing others and other’s needs before yours and explore a little bit about what that has to do with control.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this post, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future posts at epiphanyvault.com

Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

Thanks again to all of the great feedback that I’m getting through the Epiphany Vault. Much love to you all.

Prioritization….

Big word, big impact if you look at it from a codependent perspective.

Have you ever felt that you give and give and give?

That you tend to neglect your needs?

And put others first?

That, maybe, you latch on to different emergencies, projects, or crisis situations….

Are you sometimes/always “the helpful one” in your relationships?

Here’s a big one for me, do you sometimes feel empty in your relationships? Like maybe you aren’t getting the same type of support in return.

Do you find identity in maintaining that type of role?

Prioritizing other’s needs before ours is a true submissive characteristic of codependency.

Why is it so hard?

It’s definitely has been hard for me in the past. It’s hard for the friends and moms that I know.

The thing about codependency is that it’s a state of extremes. Of course, it is important to prioritize relationships in your life.

Your husband, your kids, your ailing family member, your friend who is having a crisis, your work, your passions….the list really can go on and on.

I think the awareness that we have to have when it comes to prioritizing are the tendencies for that to get out of hand.

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget about myself when I have all of these other, louder things asking for my time.

For example, when does prioritizing become harmful to you and your well being?

As codependents, we tend to detach from ourselves (mostly unconsciously), like, we don’t wake up one day and say, hey, I think today is the day that I don’t pay attention to my self, my wants and needs.

But, in the end, I learned that I de-prioritized my health and my well-being due to shame and fear.

Shame and fear that I don’t have love or that I have to give and give and give in order to receive love.

We forget.

We forget about ourselves.

We tend to feel bad if we can’t do everything to and for everybody.

But, why can’t we have that same compassion and empathy for ourselves?

Where can we find the balance of caring for ourselves in the same way that we care for others?

Where can we accept people in to our circles who provide nourishing and loving support in the same ways that you would for them?

For me, I can pinpoint my life of caring for others before myself by the examples I was given in my family of origin.

I can’t really say that I was ever taught to ask anything of anyone, especially when it came to emotional, mental, or spiritual support.

I think I learned to be everything to everyone by the way I acted, the way I looked and especially the way that I cared about people.

And, in looking at it now, I think it was a way for me to try to fill up my love tank because I wasn’t feeling love for myself.

I think I unconsciously thought, maybe, if I can do these things for these people, be there for them, etc. they will like me and show love or like for me.

Maybe if I just do this or just do that, I will be able to feel full.

What it turned into, in adulthood, was a complete polarization of what I really needed emotionally, spiritually, and mentally from what I was getting in return.

Even from my inner circle.

Because I was doing the wrong things! I was looking outside when I really needed to look in.

I was trying to give and give and give because it worked. It was a temporary solutions to fill my love tank. I was getting those things, ultimately.

But, what we know about codependency and the ego or the unconscious mind, that it takes a constant supply to keep you full up.

I felt like that was why I felt so empty and lost. Why I was so tired yet I kept doing these things and de-prioritizing myself.

Of course, what I realize now, is THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN SAY OR DO to fill up my love tank from the outside.

Nothing.

No one, No thing, No action is going to make me love myself.

You may feel a temporary feeling of loving and wanting, but if you’re like me, you end up feeling more empty than full.

That’s because we are looking OUTSIDE for love, when really, it is all in us.

Many times, they way we act is a reflection of us on the inside.

We GIVE what we can’t GET.

I see this play out a lot in family environments, especially for moms. Even though I’m not a mom myself I can definitely see how one could lose himself or herself in the constant upkeep of families.

And, I know it’s not easy, but I, also, know that the affects of codependency are not easy either.

We work hard to find balance in our life’s and I totally empathize that it’s hard. I’ve been there before, but if you’re listening, you are worth it.

So, now that we’ve covered that, I wanted to think about, what does this have to do with control?

Is it possible that because we are looking outwards for love, because we are trying so hard to fill up our love tanks, is over prioritizing and forgetting to prioritize ourselves our way of controlling the love we get?

Think about it, if we GIVE what we CANNOT GET, are we trying to control our environment? Our love environment?

Are we trying to do things, automatically or unconsciously to fill up our love tank?

I think so. 

Again, I don’t think that we do this consciously, I think that it is deeply ingrained in us, but I think we make the unconscious choice of choosing where to focus our energies the way we do, because that is what we know best.

Does that make sense?

Someone once told or I read somewhere that a lot of things about codependency are about control. And it wasn’t until I thought about talking about control here on the podcast and going over my past actions that it now makes sense to me.

If we are looking for love, and can’t find that love within ourselves, prioritizing others over ourselves is our way of controlling the love that we feel.

Of course we feel good about doing other things for other people, but if we are neglecting ourselves, what really is the point?

As I did in the last episode, I wanted to take a look at the dominant aspect of prioritization and control briefly here.

I think it’s pretty obvious that a dominant person in a codependent relationship tries VERY hard to outwardly control his/her relationships, situation, and the love received.

Many times, a dominant personality will prioritize himself or herself over others. And, going back to how codependency roots itself in extremes, the dominant one, is on the the other side of the spectrum.

He/she has no trouble putting herself or himself first, even if it damages relationships.

But, isn’t it crazy to think that they would do that for the same reasons that we, as submissive people, would do it too?

He or she would demand love or loyalty because they don’t feel it really in themselves.

And, can’t you see where a submissive personality would fit right into this cycle?

So, what can we do about this?

How can we begin to grow away and out of this pattern?

If any of this rang true for you and you think you are at the point where you are sick and tired of not putting yourself first, congratulations, you are at the point that not many of us get to, in all honesty.

For me, I continued to read and educate myself. 

Listening to podcasts.

Reading books.

Finding online communities.

I think, as I surrounded myself with enlightened or, at least, aware people, familiarity started firing in my brain.

I began to peel off the onions for myself as I consumed the content.

If you haven’t listened to the post on Soul Maintenance Tools, I would recommend that one if you are looking for specific actions to take, but I think just being aware of our tendencies is a good first step in the right direction.

My Soul Maintenance time is a non-negotiable part of my day, sometimes I amend it, or sometimes I have to skip it all together, but I do draw strict boundaries around taking that time for myself.

I turn off my phone and have no distractions as I read, write, meditate and reflect.

I would recommend that you try to start with one thing that really fills you up with love, something that you can honestly say contributes to your soul and find time do that for yourself once a day.

I say this with complete empathy and compassion but I warn you to be VERY AWARE of what this one thing is and take time to ask why and how this would benefit me.

This process will not work if you can’t be aware and willing and able to ask these hard questions.

And, if you can’t do that right now, that’s okay. I would recommend to go back to square one and immerse yourself in content until you can.

Just coming from experience, I know that this is not easy but I commend you for loving yourself enough to do this. You are not alone.

That’s it for now.

Much love to you all.

Livin’ and Lovin’ 💗

Lilli