The Control Series: Part 1
Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Podcast where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves.
This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.
We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.
Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently.
We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?
If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible.
Yet, it’s happening.
Every.
Single.
Day.
It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.
We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!
Today, Part 1 of a 10 part series all focused on control. Today, specifically, in reference to confrontation and how that plays out in a codependent scenario and maybe some triggers or warning signs you may see in yourself or in others.
But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future podcasts at epiphanyvault.com
Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.
A huge shout out to Michael who wrote in some months ago. Here’s what he wrote, “My epiphany was opening up the book codependent no more and that started me on my journey of recovery as a codependent which also led me to your podcast and I just can't seem to get enough. I am relating to so much of what you are saying. Thank you.”
Michael, thank you so much for listening and for the kind feedback. Codependent No More was really one of the first big influences for me as well. It started me on my path to awakening.
To anyone out there that doesn’t have it on your bookshelf, I would recommend getting the book. It may be a real eye opener for you.
I am so glad that we are working on this together to be the most magnificent that we can be. Love on my friend, more specifically, love YOU.
In thinking about what I might discuss today, I thought that this would be a good time to talk about control. Control and codependency are so deeply intertwined and unconscious.
I will probably will be referring to the state of being unconscious during the series and let me define here what I mean so that it doesn’t get confusing.
Please do keep in mind that, as we are defining these words, they are just signposts to try to have a discussion.
Being a certain way, either good or bad, is not what we are going for, we are magnificent as we are.
In fact, I think being good or bad is a very human and codependent way to think about things.
But we work to try to be present as much as possible by accepting our present moment and surrendering in a very present way.
The way that I’m referring to unconsciousness stems a lot from my study of Eckhart Tolle. (Here’s a good reference.)
A state of unconsciousness is a state of not being present in the now, simply.
It’s a vibrational feeling of unease, discontent, boredom, or nervousness. It’s a pain that has different levels of affecting our ability to deal with regular life circumstances, both pleasant and unpleasant.
For me, I feel that my unconscious, previously, had become my way of dealing with my depressions and my past. I just didn’t know it. Our unconsciousness is a feeder system to our mind where we process things.
It’s our way, unconsciously, to live in the world we live in. It’s our way of dealing with our realities rather than accepting our realities for what they are.
I hope that makes sense. If not, please feel free to ask me questions about it at the Epiphany Vault.
For me, this is such a deep topic, it has taken me years of study to understand this and I am definitely not perfect, ever. What is perfect anyways…
When I started to think about what to discuss on this podcast, I knew that I wanted to talk about control.
I realized that this is a MAJOR piece to the codependency puzzle in that control plays out in the interactions we have with others, and even more significantly, the interactions and the conversations that we have with ourselves.
So, for the next 10 posts, we’ll talk about different elements and trigger points of control as it relates to codependency.
Let’s talk about confrontation…
If you flinch at the word, just the word itself, I am right there with you.
Just thinking about it makes me want to run away to a different state. (Which I have done multiple times, more on that later….)
Or, you may be the type of person that welcomes confrontation, I am not one, but I have observed those people that do.
What is it about confrontation that weaves its way into our codependent lives?
For me, my family of origin taught me how to deal with confrontation. Essentially, there never really was any.
Little communication.
Rare family discussions.
I learned to put on a perfect front.
I learned to mold myself into the perfect person so I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone disliking me (which I feel like is a form of confrontation).
I learned to smile instead of protest or cry.
I learned that being happy (or in most cases) acting like it, was the only way of living life.
What I have learned, is that by not being able to deal with the ups and downs of being human and not being able to deal with the inevitable pleasant or unpleasant occurrences in life, I was, in affect, avoiding confrontation.
This was a product of my unconscious self not being able to deal with my current reality, as it popped up time and again.
In a way, avoiding confrontation is a way for our unconscious to protect us. It’s our “fight or flight” mode.
It’s protecting us from the emotional heartbreaks of fear and shame, but, in reality, it just takes us further and further from the truth, from the real and present now, as it is.
It forgets how to emotionally own up.
It has a funky way of distorting our reality and shaping it to make sense. It says, “Confrontation is bad! Run!!!”
My reactions to any type of confrontation whether that be feedback at work or from a friend, a talk with my significant other, or really anything casting a negative light or taping into fear and shame was defensiveness, a complete and utter shut down, and debilitating insecurity.
It’s hard to take that type of feedback when you already feel badly about yourself that’s why I try to instill self love and self worth into my daily life and speak about it so often here.
So, what does confrontation have to do with control?
Our reactions to confrontation, real, perceived, or otherwise, is how we control our environment.
When we run away, it’s our way of controlling that hurt.
When we clam up, it’s our way of controlling of not letting anything in (or out for that matter).
When we act defensively, this is the most reactive portion of our codependency that is our defense. Remember, fight or flight?
What about on the other side of the coin, I have been talking about controlling and confrontation from the submissive perspective because that is the one I know best.
What about from the dominant side? Is confrontation a form of control from a dominant personality?
I would say so.
Much of the same unconscious tendencies and patterns run the same gamut in a dominant personality and for much of the same reasons.
They just manifest differently.
Many dominant personalities control with confrontation.
They have no problem actively expressing displeasure or even bullying.
Many welcome a fight, physically, mentally or verbally.
I think it is, also, their way of controlling the situation. It is an unconscious adaptation to feeling insecure or vulnerable a way to block their fear or shame.
Does that make sense?
For me, it’s so eye opening when I think about both sides of the coin like this, because, no matter how many times I’ve studied this, it’s always a big AHA why dominant and submissive roles form a codependent relationship.
If we go back to what my definition of codependency is, which is a break from ourselves, a state of not being able to tap into and love who we really are lined with a lack of self love and self worth.
Because we are not able to do those things, with our codependency, we are not able to establish clear boundaries.
With ourselves and with anyone else.
When we can’t connect with ourselves and are not able to set boundaries, we get confused on what confrontation really is (at least from a submissive perspective.)
But our gut/unconscious reaction is to protect ourselves instead of communicating boundaries, communicating, discussing, or even being connect or present in those unconscious feelings.
It’s not our fault, that’s how we’ve been trained.
Please be kind to yourself out there magnificent souls.
I hope this discussion helped see you next time for Part 2 of the control series.
Livin’ & Lovin’💗
Lilli