The Control Series: Part 5

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. 

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently. 

We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. 

Yet, it’s happening. 

Every. 

Single. 

Day. 

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today, Part 5 of a 10 part series all focused on control. Specifically, today, I wanted to talk about something that I’m calling shame transference. Basically, the way it so easy for us to feel other’s shame even when they may not feel it themselves, what that looks like, and a little bit about what that has to do with control.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this post, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future podcasts at epiphanyvault.com

Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

Thanks again to everyone who has been writing in. I’m so glad that you find it a safe space.

Today, a little, or a lot about shame, we’ll see how the conversation goes, but what I’ve found very important to recognize throughout my journey is that at the very core of my codependency is shame.

I think this is a deep-rooted shame that has manifested itself through different experiences throughout my life, my upbringing, and it continued to be a cyclical thing through my adulthood.

Shame is such a perverse and prevailing feeling that, what I’m realizing now, is that almost every decision I made, relationship I pursued, or feeling I had about myself stemmed from shame in my life.

Shame is tricky.

Shame hides in the darkness.

Shame is not easy to pinpoint.

Shame is not easy to detect.

Shame is not easy to diagnose.

From what I learned, shame can be a catalyst.

A glue.

A seed.

A root.

A life theme that if not called out from the darkness to the light, will keep you stuck in the codependent cycle.

The un love cycle.

The feeling of worthlessness cycle.

Shame turns people into codependents, into alcoholics, into drug addicts, into any kind of addicts, really, and into people with eating disorders.

Although, at the time we don’t know that we do these things because of deep shame in ourselves: we initially take up these actions and substances to mask ourselves from our shame and eventually these addictions or disorders take over our lives.

And the lives of people around us.

And shame perpetuates..

Shame has steered me to make decisions about my appearance, my career, my love for myself, and what I deemed healthy or wealthy.

In a way, I think shame has been a filter through which I have lived my life.

Although I didn’t know it…..it was there.

At my core.

If you asked me 3 years ago about my shame, the shame that I lived with, the shame that I carried like a boulder on my shoulder, I probably would have told you that I didn’t have shame.

I was strong.

I was independent.

I was direct.

I was “successful.”

I was beautiful.

I was young.

I was confident.

But, really, on the inside, I was broken.

As much as I portrayed all of those “positive traits” on the outside, I was really a fragile and self-conscious person on the inside.

I was lost in the self-worth abyss.

It took many years of work to get to my shame, to un-root it.

So if you are there, or wherever you are in your journey, I don’t necessarily expect you to understand where I’m coming from today. 

In fact, I might sound downright offensive to say that you are carrying shame.

And that’s okay.

But, if you feel like something is off within yourself, if you have an addiction or have thought about suicide, if you are in a relationship that ultimately makes you unhappy but you can’t seem to escape, if you have, at the very least, recognized these things and have been able to declare to yourself, “I am not okay with this any longer”….then I am happy for you and I, along with many others listening have been there before. 

I am proud of you.

Because that was really the first step for me.

I came to a place in my life where if I was going to live, I knew I had to fight for myself.

Through years of work and self-study, I discovered that I felt shame for a couple of reasons.

First, because I come from a codependent family dynamic, shame was a learned behavior that had been passed down to me. At the root, I picked up a lot of shame that was floating around my house. 

A note about this, these are my revelations only. I have done a lot of work to release my family of any blame because, ultimately, I can not rely on them, or anyone else for that matter, for my happiness.

The theme of this podcast, coincidentally, is shame transference and, in a family of origin, it is no different from the interpersonal dynamics from my codependent relationships.

And shame, much like negativity is easily passed from one person to the other, especially in close relationships.

But, because shame is a learned behavior, as a child, I unknowingly picked up on how to deal with shame. I adopted the same coping patterns.

Coping patterns for unfavorable conditions in my life.

Coping patterns for the inability to be emotionally available.

Coping patterns for feeling deep unhappiness that I just couldn’t pinpoint, or truly even FEEL at points in my life.

And part of my coping mechanisms was to accommodate others (specifically my codependent other) in such a way as to absorb their worries and cares.

Absorb their responsibilities, as we talked about in the last post.

AND absorb their shame.

More about this in a few.

Secondly, I have had very specific instances in my life, that I can remember where I was clearly being shamed by family members, from my peer group, and of course, the most important person in my life, myself.

I won’t get into the details now but I will detail them in my book, but essentially, I previously have taken others’ reactions, criticisms, comments either overtly, or subvertly, very seriously.

I internalized these things.

Deeply.

I became very unhappy or distraught when I thought I did something wrong or when my appearance didn’t please someone.

If you’re out there and understand, I feel you and I see you.

Remember, shame is rooted deeply in our unconscious and, to be honest, the way that it works with shame transference makes very little logical sense.

If we think of the codependent spectrum, as we have discussed before, there are two different extremes. And what’s really interesting about those extremes is that they are subconscious reactions to deep-seeded shame and fear. 

The codependent characteristics that we inherit our ways of coping with that shame and fear unknowingly. 

When we’re talking today about shame transference and how it relates to control is, also, an interesting dynamic.

Likely, the dominant side of the spectrum will not even recognize this deep-seeded shame within himself or herself, but many times the way they react or deal with situations are fueled by that shame fire.

Then, it is up to the submissive side to pick up the emotional burden of the other.

For example, in my life, my partner had abandonment issues and it was up to me to make him not feel abandoned.

I sacrificed my self to make him feel like he was wanted, by staying with him, even though I should have left.

In fact, this was a tactic often used to get me to stay.

At the time, I wasn’t consciously saying, oh okay, I will pick up his shame of abandonment and carry it as a burden on me but, in hindsight, I can definitely say that I unknowingly carried a lot of his abandonment shame.

And ultimately I felt self-hatred and self-loathing for myself.

Many times, codependent people are labeled, or even label themselves as martyrs.

Martyrs are people who constantly go through intense suffering.

In the codependent case, this martyrdom is an unwritten equation. 

If I suffer, I will feel love or I will be loved.

In a way, when you try to pick up other’s burdens, you are trying to control your environment AND the way the other feels about you. 

Instead of just accepting what is, you pick up on shame and try to absorb everything. 

That’s why many codependents feel like martyrs. 

Instead of dealing with the present, as it is, we pick up a lot of the slack, so to speak, but coincidentally this only makes things worse. 

Why? 

Because whether we know it or not, we are expecting something. 

Many times for submissive types, it is love and appreciation in return. 

But, ultimately, that’s not something that we get and it only makes us feel worse.

This was kind of a deep topic today Magnificent Souls, thanks for sticking with me.

If I can offer any support to you if any of what I talked about today, please feel free to write me, but please be encouraged that the first step is saying hello to your unhappiness and, then, preparing yourself to say bye.

Until next time,

💗Livin & Lovin’💗

Lilli