Listener Question & Learning to Love Your Self 💗

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves.

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently.

We have to break the cycle.

We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW.

We have to find a way.

So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible.

Yet, it’s happening.

Every.

Single.

Day.

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today, a listener by the name of Lily wrote in to the Epiphany Vault so I wanted to share with you all what she wrote as she did give me her permission to share.

But, before we get in to the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future podcasts at the Epiphany Vault.

Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

Just a little disclaimer that this is my personal opinion only, please consult a medical or mental professional when you are able and when you see fit.

Here’s what one Lily, wrote:

“I’m a recovering drug addict, and I have upwards of 3 years clean and find myself down to the bare bones of the underlying issues that fueled my addiction in the first place. In the absence of a mood altering substance in my body, I find that my primary addiction was always people. Or codependency if you will. I’m reaching out for anything that can help me create a healthy relationship with myself and your podcast is like a balm for my deep dissatisfaction with who I am. My boyfriend and I (he’s a recovering person also) just broke up because our mutual codependency was so miserable that we couldn’t bear it any longer. We hit on so many cylinders and it’s hard to accept that both of us have individual journeys to create “ground for building” a relationship if we ever want to have a meaningful one. For my part, I still persist (in) hoping that we can circle back around to each other after we’ve experienced growth in the way I know we want to. But maybe that will change. Who knows? I can’t control outcomes. I can’t manipulate situations to create the emotional reaction I need to feel valuable or fulfilled. This is by far the hardest and most important thing I’ve ever done. Leaving a person that I love because I know I must be alone right now because I’m creating a really toxic space for myself and this other human is gut wrenching. I’m in the acute stages of grief from that separation right now. 

Hearing the definition of codependency is revolutionary for me. I am acquainted with it as an addict but hearing it outlined in such a way makes me turn it inward and really take a look at myself and take responsibility at this point. I enabled my significant other when he refused to display any emotional maturity, enabled his attention seeking behaviors, let him call the shots basically. We planned activities around what he could post on Facebook to garner attention. We avoided conversation with any real depth. But I allowed that. I nurtured that within our relationship. I was his protective covering almost and within that relationship I lost so much. 

I haven’t been single since I was 16 years old. Not truly. There was always some member of the opposite sex around to validate me. Part of me doesn’t understand why I have this deep sense of self loathing. I feel on the surface really unique and special. I’m a (now single) working mother of 4. I am the provider, I’m good at sports and good at most everything I try. I’m the jack of all trades. I sometimes wonder if that’s what I place my value in. Is that really me? I can sing and sew and fix a car. I’m super handy in general. I’m charismatic and kind and I now work with recovering people like myself in a behavioral health setting. I can do a mans work, and I can do a woman’s work. I am a great motivator to others and am one of those people that when someone meets me they instantly know that I’m a good ear, and because if that sometimes almost perfect strangers spill their guts to me. 

In my most intimate friendships and my romantic relationship, I’m at a loss. That’s the best way I know how to put it. I just can’t seem to fully invest in others because deep down I don’t really know what makes me tick or how to love and nurture myself. It’s rare that I’ve ever forced myself to be so introspective. 

I miss my significant other. The high-achieving competitor part of my mind reaches out for answers sometimes, just so I can make sure that he doesn’t have a breakthrough wherever he is , while I’m left here still unhappy and searching for answers. I turn the focus to him a lot. I try to remind myself that I allowed him to use me as a pacifier for all manner of issues he needed to address and at the end of it all he couldn’t respect me. I have no more control over what happens now than I did then. 

My usual M.O. would be to create a relationship out of thin air. I’m so good at it. I can convince everyone, even myself, that there is a future in a relationship like that. This is the reason I know that I must change or die really. Spiritually die at least. I cannot even bring myself to use that old pattern of coping and finding someone to validate me. There’s a quote I really love that Victor Frankyl said. “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

I must change. I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t know what to do next. I try to explore the things I like-actually like, and learn about myself. I have a Narcotics anonymous sponsor and work the 12 steps and go to meetings. I am staying positive and keeping busy trying to make each day count toward growth and change for me and by extension for my children. I need some really (practical) advice at this point. Some activities I can do. I’m going to listen to every episode of the podcast meanwhile. I sometimes feel like I need a workbook or a hands-on thing to do. Any kind of insight or direction would be appreciated.

Lily, I can’t thank you enough for writing in, I know what courage it takes to be honest with oneself, but then, also, to share it with the listeners.

So so so many things hit home for me as I read and re-read your message.

I kept thinking, that’s me! I am that woman, too. 

And, I do want you to know that you are not alone in this journey.

I can feel and see the mountain that you have climbed in your recovery journey and then the new journey that you have embarked upon to claim your life.

First, let me say this, this door that you have opened up, to introspection, to knowing that you need to get healthy or die will never close. You have taken the first huge step towards a better life for you. So, I have to commend you on this first step.

As you probably know now, the addiction that was at the forefront of your life before you decided to come clean was likely masking all of these feelings that you are feeling right now and, from what I have seen, rarely do people have the courage to face all of those thoughts and feelings.

So, it’s just amazing to me that you have reached this point.

I know this because I have been there.

From my experience, the lens that I look through the world now, is completely different than it was pre-awakening. 

And that doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes, that doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to the same type of relationships that have been so toxic for me in the past, but now that I have turned my awareness inwards, I am learning to value my self before others, I am learning to listen to the red flags that I only used to see in hindsight.

I just want to continue to encourage you.

Although I don’t know you personally, I know that you are doing the right thing by focusing on your health. I can tell by the way you expressed yourself and by a lot of the work that you’ve been doing already. I can feel you taking the healthier route.

So, just thank you for sharing.

This is a great time to mention too, Lily, that I am working on an online course as we speak to help you with exactly this, but it’s not quite ready yet. And, if you want to be notified when it is ready, feel free to let me know or to our listeners out there, let me know at the Epiphany Vault and I will be happy to share that with you when I have it available.

Also, at this point, I think it’s important to just call out something you expressed in your note which is what I think comes down to just not really knowing yourself and who you are.

At this point in your life, it’s probably difficult to come to terms with the fact that the relationships and activities that you’ve been pursuing have all, in some respects, been superficial.

I know this because this was me.

And, to be completely open with you, it’s still hard for me to grasp. It’s hard for me to NOT look back on my life in bewilderment.

I understand how and why you are attracted to people and doing and achieving things. 

I think it’s because it is an effort to fill a lost void inside yourself. For me, that was exactly the case.

So, for me, my goal now is to begin to establish the love for my self that I deserve and I have been worth all along.

The problem is, my conditioning, my past experiences, my family of origin have all taught me that I am not worth it.

You and I know, Lily, that we are worth it. That’s why we’re here, right here and right now.

When you said that you just don’t know what to do next, I would recommend that you work on re-establishing love for yourself.

This will take time, and for me, since I’ve been practicing this, I know that this is something that I will have to work on forever. And, I’m okay with that.

I want to stop here, Lily, and say something really blunt, but please know that I’m coming from a place of love and understanding. It is IMPERATIVE that you are ready to claim that space for yourself. 

For me, I had to feel it in my bones and in my core. It was almost like a vibrational pull, the self love, that I feel and am feeling to do work, for me and by me.

I just wanted to say that because through my journey, I thought I was ready many times, but really, I wasn’t.

I was just a hype man trying to WILL my self out of misery and sorrow. 

But, as I said, when your eyes are open to the boundless space of self love, we are definitely headed toward peace.

So, you asked for some practical advice, and I feel like I’ve been on my soap box so I’d love to offer you some things that I do to foster and nurture that love for my self. 

If you haven’t read this previous post yet, I would definitely recommend revisiting that as I outlined exactly what I do to keep up my Soul Maintenance.

In that episode, I listed the 5 Soul Tools that I used to maintain my alignment.

I would also consider, starting immediately, meditating and journaling.

I find the Headspace app very helpful as it has nice gentle guidance for different meditation themes, but in my view, that is one of the most powerful things that you can start to do right now.

Meditation has taught me so many things: how to be alone with my self without any distractions, how to calm my thoughts, how to be present focused, how to listened to my body, thoughts, and inner feelings and so many other things.

Be gentle with yourself when it comes to meditation, too, it’s never going to be perfect but I bet you will notice a calmer you within 2 weeks.

Also, if you could begin to open up the door to journaling by writing 100 words a day, this will become an outlet and a respite for you as it did for me.

Journaling was the one thing with my Soul Maintenance that I thought I hated doing.

I had so many reservations about it just because I was so critical on my self.

Just start. 100 words. I am writing. I am writing. I am writing. or Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

If you are like me, you will find this practice illuminating and uplifting as it will lead down a path to opening up crevices in your mind that you have long forgotten or hidden away.

And, don’t be scared, this is a good thing!

Lastly, kind of a bonus, and a little something personal that I haven’t shared before. And, specifically for you, Lily, I think this may be a good tool to use is Coda Online or phone meetings. Coda meaning Codependents Anonymous.

I know you are working the 12 steps in a different group but I have found the coda meetings not only convenient as they are online or telephone based, but super impactful especially if I am having a bad day.

Just like with your other meetings, you can choose to participate or not, but I have a good feeling that will be an amazing resource for you.

That’s all I have for you right now Lily, please update me as I am fully support of you and your journey and use the Epiphany Vault as you need it.

Much love to you and all of the Magnificent Souls out there.

Until next time.

Livin’ and Lovin’ 💗

Lilli