Loyalty: What's codependency got to do with it?
Greetings Magnificent Soul,
Welcome to the blog, where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. This is a place where we break down, break away, and breakthrough codependency, allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.
We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up.
We know that there is something magnificent inside of us and because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently.
We have to break the cycle. We don't have a million chances. We have to be happy RIGHT NOW.
We have to find a way.
So how do we do that? How is that possible?
If you look around at what society is telling you, they tell you that what you're doing is impossible. Yet it's happening every single day.
It's happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.
We are magnificent souls, all of us, and these are our stories of healing.
In this post, I will be talking about something that I've been thinking about for awhile as I'm transitioning into a healthy life: Loyalty.
On first think, loyalty is a notable quality. It is necessary for any relationship: romantic, platonic, professional. Loyalty is a display of dedication and trust in relationships.
But loyalty can have a dark side, and at its extreme, loyalty can be a codependent pattern when that dedication means that we remain in a harmful situation for a long time.
Before we get too deep into loyalty, as always, please share your thoughts about the blog, loyalty, or anything you want to share in our safe and open for everyone forum at the Epiphany Vault. You can remain anonymous if you so choose, and you can also use this as a type of journal to release some thoughts into the universe.
As always, it is your choice.
Going back to loyalty…
When I was preparing for this, I was digging deep into my life and realizing that a lot of my conversations with my ex-partner provided an excellent example of dysfunctional loyalty.
I realized that he was utilizing loyalty and manipulating our relationship and in the end would make me feel like crap or questioning myself. Just really weird dynamic.
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
“You're always going to be my friend, right?”
“You'll always be there for me.”
“You're my only family.”
"I don't have anyone else.”
“That’s pretty fucked up that you can just leave me like that after all I did and do for you.”
Raise your hand if any of that applies to you.
In my case, I felt like he was touching on my loyalty and dedication to our relationship that was, in a way, manipulating my insecurities about myself. There was a lot of shame projection on me.
Expressing my feelings or my actions were not acceptable to him and he used the loyalty card tomato me feel guilty.
Loyalty is what everyone wants in a relationship. Of course, it looks different in platonic relationships, romantic relationships and with your co-workers.
There is a healthy side to loyalty, but tipped to the other extreme, it can be a devastating result of a codependent relationship. It keeps you stagnant, in the same cycle and pattern of emotional abuse and neglect because loyalty can be used as a shame tactic.
When he said those things to me, he would trigger a feeling of shame. I would think to myself, maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not being loyal. Such a weird, messed up mind game.
Codependency is an interesting phenomenon when it comes to mental health and sometimes it stems from having an addict in your family. The caretaker becomes codependent on helping and, oftentimes being a martyr, in the situation.
But, more and more studies are emerging about codependency and I will have an assessment available in a few months.
The study and programming around codependency have been such a huge catalyst in my life, and I really believe that codependency is a precursor to a lot of addictions: chemical addictions, food addictions, depression, suicide.
So, if you’re like me and you have experienced that or are in the thick of it right now, that’s something that we're all going to tackle together.
In its earliest recognized form, codependency emerged in familial situations where there was an addict and the enabler was dubbed, the codependent, as that was the role that he/she began to play. Giving money, housing, continuing to succumb to the whims of the addict and thereby disrupting the self of the enabler is typical.
Loyalty does play out in this type of situation.
As a parent, how hard would it be to close the door on your child or to cut them off completely?
Not knowing what was happening.
So difficult. So hard. Codependent.
On a different level, how many people do you know that are in toxic relationships and they stay together “for the children?”
I’m not here to project or comment on the actions of others but I think that there should be a very hard look at that type of loyalty and how it's affecting you.
Making good decisions for yourself through self-love and self-awareness and coming to terms with your situation and seeing it for what it really is: huge step.
I feel like, after that, you can make decisions from a healthy space, but loyalty, in that context, I believe, is misplaced.
I think that there would be a lot of damage done to yourself and consequently to your children if you are grasping on to unhealthy behaviors.
My encouragement is to have a healthy dialog with yourself, don’t let loyalty be connected to shame. Let’s break the cycle.
Some more musings are: at what point does loyalty become unhealthy and dysfunctional or codependent?
What would be an ideal situation when it comes to loyalty? How would you know if someone's loyal to you and it's comfortable and it's not extreme, or how? How would you know if you're in a dysfunctional, codependent loyalty situation?
These are some questions to ask yourself. Share with me at the Epiphany Vault if you could like.
For me, healthy loyalty is void of jealousy.
It would be a relationship where we would be able to talk openly about or feelings and concerns without the threat of retribution.
I urge you to think about that and write it out.
I always recommend to just start small, 100 words.
That's my goal every night, even if I feel like I don’t have anything to write about.
A healthy interdependence or dependence is when the scales are equal.
Relationships become codependent when the support is tipped and unbalanced.
Codependency is a disease of shame and fear. So anytime that someone can manipulate that, then it maybe time to have a closer look.
Shame and fear can hit you really quickly and out of nowhere, it’s one of those front brain reactions: fight or flight. If someone is telling you that you’re not being loyal to the relationship or person, my first reaction is shut down. And then, I would start to internalize my (perceived) incompetence.
This is important: needs and supports should be balanced and equal in a relationship.
Something that I’ve made a practice of doing is writing out the qualities of my next partner and a lot of it is about loyalty and what that looks like.
Does this person deserve my loyalty?
Is that person or would that person be able to be loyal to you in the same way?
Feel free to leave your thoughts and comments at the Epiphany Vault.
You don't have to leave your name and we can cover it on the blog if you wish.
My encouragement is to just get in the practice of writing 100 words a day. Even if it’s blah, blah, blah: it will begin to open up, I promise.
I was always so hesitant to write because “I’m not a writer” or “No one cares,” but then I realized that it wasn’t for others, it’s for me.
That’s all for today.
Livin’ & Lovin,’
Lilli