Will the loving relationship I want ever be?
Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves.
This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.
We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.
Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently.
We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?
If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible.
Yet, it’s happening.
Every.
Single.
Day.
It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.
We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!
Today on Episode 50, I wanted to talk today about a question I received recently about a listener’s codependency. Here is the question: “Will the loving relationship I want ever be?”
In this episode, I’ll talk about my thoughts about this question and some general thoughts about how codependency can tend to suck the life out of you sometimes.
But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have or anything you would like me to cover on future posts at epiphanyvault.com Remember, it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.
Speaking of the Epiphany Vault, a big shout out to Alex who wrote into the Epiphany Vault and gave me permission to share with you.
Alex writes:
“I lived through childhood trauma, as a teenager and a young adult I had a problem with alcohol. Met a girl, had a child while in a toxic relationship, still had a problem with alcohol, Couldn’t cope with it all and left, then I turn to drugs bc I still couldn’t cope. 6 yrs later I had a life changing event while dealing with my pass.
I wrote about bc I was institutionalize and had to explain my life story. Here is my story.......
I am aware that there are absolutely no excuses for driving while impaired. I would like to take this time to outline some of my past that contributed to my way of life and past behaviour, and the events that have led up to changing my life for the positive. This writing may sound as if I’m laying blame, but that is not the case – it is meant to explain my own awareness.
I understand there are people who were hurt in life whom didn’t grow up to have a problem with alcohol, but that wasn’t the case for me. During the times I had been charged with impaired driving, my son was 2 days old and 7 months old and 5 years old. It is easy to see that alcohol was destroying my life, but I was unable to control it at the time. It wasn’t until later in life that I put in the work for self care and self care has now become a passion for me. Nowadays, I feel personally let down if I skip it.
It is known that there are underlying issues that cause a person to use substances to the point where it affects their daily life. I believe mine was based on a broken individual with no direction in life, an over-exaggerated ego driven by weak confidence and low self esteem, and a sense of entitlement founded by hurt combined with a lack of coping skills.
I experienced childhood events which I come to realize is called trauma, most of which stem from my home environment,
a home life that lacked proper guidance and structure. Although I had a caring and loving mother, she was emotionally and spiritually wounded by her childhood. My father, though he was present, was an angry narcissistic alcoholic who chose not to speak to me, never mind to be a parent, even though he had an abundance of knowledge.
I agree this sounds a lot like blaming, finger pointing and not owning up to one’s responsibility for poor decision making, but after having a positive life-changing event, I was able to seek a path of healing and came to the realization that a lot of who we are comes from the past. It took time, energy and a lot of understanding to pull my inner child, adolescent and adult-being together and for the three to be stable enough to work as one and know what it means to become resilient. On a journey of acceptance and acknowledgment that things didn’t go well and the logical reasons why, I have learnt that it doesn’t have to lead to a lifetime of personal misfortunes and a recycling of unhealthy living.
It has taken weeks, months and years of constantly seeking more and more information to help me to understand my new journey. It seems to be a never-ending process of sorting out old and new, good and bad, boring and exciting information. The literature ( Eckhart Tolle awakening to your life’s purpose ) I have read describes my experience as a self or spiritual awakening, a state of conscious living, where my subconscious mind doesn’t have to be my leader, I am reminded daily by being a conscious person to stay focused and committed on being a healthier individual.
While in prison for impaired driving back in 2009, I was having odd, reoccurring painful and awkward dreams of what seemed to be my childhood. I spoke frequently with my parents while I was incarcerated and had mentioned the things I was experiencing. In an effort to guide me in the right direction, they sent me reading materials such as “Giving the Love that Heals, a Guide for Parents by Helen Hunt and Harville Hendrix”, “Managing Your Mind by Tony Hope” and Simple Living in a Complex World. These readings provided me with a lot of insight into my life.
In the very early morning hours of January 5, 2010 I awoke from a night’s sleep feeling a change in my being, I was unsure of why this was or how it came to be, but I was very happy about it. To me it felt like I had no more worries; I remember laying there smiling to myself and having a profound feeling of thankfulness and gratitude. I can only explain it as tranquility and calmness. I felt free in my mind, happy in my spirit and content with my being; even though I was imprisoned, I felt free, not free to do what I wanted, but free to live and grow and experience life.
I can say that one day I woke up and things changed for me. I’m not saying all was good from there on and I had no more troubles, but the troubles that did arise didn’t drain my being of energy, didn’t lead to negative thoughts and destructive behaviour, but rather I was able to face them with patience for a positive outcome and an understanding that I have healthy and unhealthy choices.
I have acknowledged and accepted my past, found forgiveness and peace and have been sober since October 2017.”
Wow, Alex, just wow.
What a powerful story of transformation, enlightenment, and awakening, thank you for sharing.
I am so grateful to have you here, on this journey, with me.
I love the Epiphany Vault, just because. It’s so great because people use it as they please.
Some people use it to manifest.
Some people use it as a journal.
Some people use it to ask a specific question.
I am down with all of it and just grateful that I can serve.
Thanks again, Alex, much love.
Now, on to today’s podcast. This was a question submitted when I was doing a deep dive into your #1 Question about Codependency and I thought it was interesting and worth going over in a podcast episode.
Once again, the question is: Will the loving relationship I want ever be?
First, let me just put out there my standard disclaimer of this is my personal opinion and experience only and does not substitute for medical or therapeutic advice. Please seek help if you feel like those professionals would benefit you.
I think one reason that I’m interested in this question, because, if I’m honest, I’ve asked myself this before.
With my codependent past, I always felt like I was chasing or trying to please or trying to be just perfect for someone to like me.
What I didn’t know then but what I know now, is that I was doing those things to fill up an empty love tank.
Subconsciously, my understanding of a loving relationship was one that took away all of my pain and suffering.
One that would relieve me forever of a cruel and hurtful world.
I’m making it sound dramatic.
And if it sounds like a sappy fairy tale vibe, it is.
I learned the hard way that this is just not realistic in a relationship.
I learned the hard way that the only person that was going to fill up that love tank was me.
I learned the hard way that no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, no matter how beautiful I looked, no matter how great of sex I gave, the only TRUE relationship that I needed to focus on was my own.
I know you hear that a lot, but when you get it like I got it. You freaking get it.
So, that was the first revelation and mountain that I had to overcome, 3 years in the making.
And, dear listener, in not knowing where you are in your journey, I can only speak from my experience.
And, if I’m completely and brutally honest, the question that you ask would not even be broached by the awakened me.
Because the awakened me sees the facade and importance of relationship as false. Although important in ones life, true, but not the fairy tale that we were all convinced it should be.
Because the awakened me knows that the more she seeks for something, the more that she is lacking in that one thing. Therefore, if I am seeking for relationship, I am telling myself and the Universe that I am therefore lacking that exact thing in my life.
Because the awakened me already feels full. Done, point blank.
So, the awakened me is not searching for a romantic relationship, but rather is open to one if he is invited into my life.
And listener, I would try to re-frame the question and ask yourself, “Will the loving relationship WITH YOURSELF ever be?” because I believe that is really what you’re asking.
Deep down, I do believe that’s the question.
I’m not sure if that registers with you right now, but I see it and encourage you to work on that question instead.
And, if that is the question, how would you answer?
What does that relationship look like?
How does it feel in your mind, in your heart, in your body?
And how do we get there?
I will leave these questions up to you and hope they help. Please feel free to write into the Epiphany Vault if you feel called to do so. I’m here.
One other point I want to say about future reaching, which I’m catching a lot of implicit future projecting with this question as well.
How can we learn to be in a loving relationship with OURSELVES, right here, right now?
Why do we think we need a loving relationship to be happy?
Just some things to think about as you ruminate on this question.
That’s it for today, Magnificent Souls.
Oh yes, one quick announcement is that I have opened up one spot for one on one coaching. Just one, so if you feel called to work together, please email me at hi@attracthealthbuildwealth.com to set up a complimentary discovery call. The deadline is August 15.
Much love.
Livin & Lovin’ 💗
Lilli