Healing codependence

Breaking away from codependent patterns was really one of the most challenging & self-respecting things I’ve ever had to do.

It wasn’t like the straight A’s on my report card.
It wasn’t like the trophy in sports.
It wasn’t like the weight on the scale.

My life had become so others-focused.
My actions, for others.
My feelings, for/about others.
My thoughts, defeating.

Of course, our patterns are opportunities for healing.

The thing with codependence is that it’s a pattern that was formed at a younger age, at a time when our emotional needs weren’t being met, so we figured out how to cope.

This was not a conscious coping, this was an instinctual coping —— and it was actually really smart of us.

We coped by shutting down ourselves.
We coped by going internal & not reaching out anymore.
We coped by focusing on how we could make other people feel.

After we received reward, which was the other person feeling better (but us taking all of the energy), we kept doing it because that was the only way to receive “love.”

In reality, we weren’t loving ourselves, but we didn’t know it.
So, here we are, as adults, wanting more connection & more love but not seeming to be able to do it.
Wanting more boundaries but not knowing how to say them & to keep them.
Wanting to break away from codependence but getting frustrated because it’s harder than we thought.
Wanting to do be our authentic selves & receive limitless love.

Breaking that codependent limiting pattern is probably the best act of self-love you could ever give yourself.

Here’s a question I got recently: “What kind of exercises/healing practices can I do to break away from being codependent?”

The reframe on this might be, “how do I come to know who I am so that I can have healthy, interdependent relationships so that I am appreciated & loved?"

Here’s the recipe for healing that pattern::

First, start with the intention that it will take time. It took time for this pattern to develop so it will take time for it to reverse.

Then, mix in some consistency. Likely, we were not provided a consistent environment for us to be safely ourselves. Therefore, honoring yourself in an environment & consistent healing container provides safety.

Add in repetition. Just like we learn different skills like basketball, lifting weights, or learning a musical instrument, practice in this environment increases myelin in our brain pathways so that this skill starts to come naturally.

Finally, the ingredient that brings it all together is safe support. We became others-focused to get our needs met so our nervous system needs different experiences within safe relationships.

Then, your authenticity is a beautiful flower that starts to bloom.

She’s in there & she’s gorgeous.
I see her.

In big love,
💗Lilli