Let's Talk About Sex

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Podcast where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. 

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.☮️

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently. 

We have to break the cycle.

We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way.

So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. 

Yet, it’s happening. 

✅Every. 

✅Single. 

✅Day. 

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today a super personal and sensitive topic for me that has been showing up and showing out. That’s sex and what does it have to do with codependency.

I want to take a moment to update you on life for me lately and why I’ve been so sporadic about updating my blog and podcasting.

The brutal truth is that I am still struggling with codependency. And, the more that I think about it, the more I know that this is something that just doesn’t go away. 

I have always struggled this way, struggled with the intersection of black and white, wanting there to be no gray area-ever in my life.

If you are listening, don’t be discouraged. I have made so many strides in my life. For one, I am not dead. 💗

I don’t think codependency ever goes away. It will always be there to rear it’s ugly head in the darkest of times, but, even so, I deeply feel that it is up to me to work on myself, to put myself first and to continue to evolve.

So, when it does, I remember me and I conquer. 💪

As I grow, I am learning, but lately I have begun to be pulled in the direction of the dark codependency in which I have been entrenched.

In combination with a loss in my family, it has sent me reeling, striving to “get back to normal.” - Normal does not always mean healthy, mind you.

I do intend to keep putting out more content and I do intend to let you know how I have been working through. I want to share my epiphanies with you all.

So, thank you to you still listening and thank you for being open to letting me share.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future podcasts at the epiphanyvault.com

Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

One of the main reasons that I have been quieter than normal on the podcast and have not been putting out weekly episodes is that I’m going through another evolution. 

I can feel it.

In myself, growing and changing.

We know that the first two steps in the codependency cycle is the breakdown and the breakaway.

And, now, I think that I am going through the breakthrough.

I am establishing a new life, in a new city.

Making new friends.

And, in all honestly, rediscovering the real me.

Life is an evolution of learning and suffering and suffering and learning.

And I am doing just that.

Even though I am over a year out of my codependent relationship. I still struggle to have real, healthy relationships with real people.

This is and will always be a learned skill for me.

This is not something that is innate.

This is not something that I learned.

But, this is something that I am having to teach myself.

Sometimes, currently, healthy feels weird 😐 and different and sometimes even boring. So, I am constantly having to teach and re-teach, my gut, innate tendencies into the healthy for me ones.

I can honestly say that my gut is learning. I am finding myself making the healthier choices rather than the unhealthy ones.

All because of the work that I’ve done in the breakdown and breakaway stages.

Because I can now love myself enough to take the time with myself and attribute my thoughts, feelings, actions to an unhealthy past, the riddles that I have previously found so hard to solve have a renewed sense of clarity.

I think THAT is what self love is. And I’ve talked about that in a previous episode, but I’ve realized that I am well worth taking the time to ask “Why?”

This is what I have been asking “Why?” about lately and that’s sex.

This hurdle has been hitting me hard for the past 6 months and I think it’s about damn time I talk about it.

Sorry in advance if my family hears this but most of you know about this as well and why hide anymore?! This is a real, human thing.

🗣So, let’s talk about sex. 

Flashback to middle school, this was not when I first had sex, but when I first learned that I could use my femininity and sexual energy to get attention from boys.

Middle school, as it is for most adolescents, was a time of learning about one’s self, about one’s community, and about social and societal norms.

I can definitely say, that during that time, and up until recently, I  was defined by my accomplishments. 

Straight As.

Sports (I think I was playing 3 at the time.)

Piano

Honor Society

You know, the extracurriculars.

The things you see on paper.

All well and good.

I definitely was not a girly girl, I didn’t start wearing make up until out of college, but I specifically remember telling sexual stories of my made up sexual experiences to boys to get attention.

You see girls, then women, have these coins called beauty and sexuality. 

It’s an exchange and it’s a song and dance that is taught from a very young age.

Girls and boys.

Men and women.

If you can think of it like that.

These coins, are often times given to them as in…

“You are so beautiful,” ching💲, in the bank.

“You look like you’ve lost weight,” ching.💲

“Sexy.” ching…bank💲

“Nice butt.” ching💲

“I love you.” ching ching ching ching💲💲💲💲

But, they can also be taken away…

“You look like you’ve gained weight.” Bye coin.

“Your face looks like a pizza.” Bye.

“Hey fatty.” Bye coin.

“I hate you.” Peace…

“You suck.” Peace coin.

Years and years of this exchange conditioned me.

It felt good to get the money in the bank but bad when it was swiped away.

The good was so good that the money in the bank became my only motivation. 

If I cannot get this money, then I’m gonna go broke!

I am nothing without this emotional money! Help!

I became that emotional money…..

This is not a new concept, we have talked about this many times before, not being able to define oneself, not knowing oneself and complete mis-identification of self (through and how) it relates to codependency.

But, here’s my epiphany……

When my bank runs dry, when it is empty (translation, when I am sad, lonely, depressed), I do EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO FILL IT.

I can manipulate the coin!

What do I mean by manipulate the coin?

Why do I need the coin?

What does that have to do with sex?

And, what does it have to do with codependency?

As we’ve talked about here before, my definition of codependency, my translation, is a break from oneself. A break from self-love and self-worth.

A break from healthy boundaries and the lack of ability to build healthy boundaries.

In this analogy, the coin is what fills that emptiness inside of you. 

The emptiness you feel because you are not really you, you are just in your body.

…For some people, it’s drugs.

…For some, it’s anger or jealousy.

…For others, it’s alcohol.

…For some, it’s humor.

…For some, it’s food.

…For others, it’s people.

For me, yes, a lot, if not all, of those.

Briefly, your bank feels full, but it WILL ALWAYS NEED A DEPOSIT.

What I’ve realized is that sex can be that for me.

Sex can make me feel wanted.

Sex can make me feel the love that I don’t feel myself.

Or the love that I feel like I’m not getting.

Briefly, sex is my coin.

That’s why we’re talking about sex. If you’re like me, sex is that codependency coin that can fill the void.

I have tried to have casual sexual relationships and despite protestations from friends to “just have fun.” 

The wanting and desire for love that I never received and love that I may not feel for myself makes it impossible for me to be flippant with that type of situation.

What I’ve realized is, some people can do that, but I can’t.

For me, sex and codependency are deeply intertwined.

It could be that way for some of you out there as well.

Here’s how I knew, the build up, the flirting, the foreplay, and the act itself were blissful. Mind numbingly blissful and beautiful.

Not long after, I felt empty and alone. 

Hear that, empty and alone.

I didn’t even plan that, but empty and alone. 🌵

Then, after awhile, I would search for or manipulate for more coin to fill up.

It FINALLY dawned on me how unhealthy this was. 

In the past, I would have blamed in on the man.

But, because of the work that we have done, I was able to take stock, be introspective and realize the why to the how and even more on a quest to fulfill my destiny of loving myself more than anyone else would love me.

To fill myself with my own self-love coin.

So, here I am sharing this with you.

I hope this helps.

Livin’ & Lovin’💗

Lilli