The Control Series: Part 9: All the Feelings

Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Blog where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves. 

This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth and live a peaceful life.

We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.

Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently. 

We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?

If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible. 

Yet, it’s happening. 

Every. 

Single. 

Day. 

It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.

We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!

Today in Episode 46, we are closing down on the last couple of episodes of the control series and I wanted to discuss feelings, our feelings, and other’s feelings and how maybe how you might not even feel like you have any feelings. And, seeing how and if it ties into the theme of control.

But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget to let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have, or anything you’d like me to cover on future posts at epiphanyvault.com

Remember, you can share anonymously; it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.

Thanks to Matthew who wrote into the Epiphany Vault. 

He gave me permission to share with you all, so this is what he wrote:

I have "shame" like in Episode 39 you've mentioned family issues & yourself how you feel for others. 

Well I have plenty of information to talk about & would love to start podcasts & take comments from anyone. It's all about 

1. Change

2. Growth 

3. Economics 

4. Faith

Matthew, Magnificent Soul, thank you, again for listening and for writing in. It really fuels me to keep going and to keep talking about it.

And, I’m with you on that, I say go for talking about it, starting a podcast. I can tell you, 1 million percent that when I knew that I needed to change when I almost died, I worked and worked and worked and worked. And, then, after my awakening, my eyes were so open and I looked at the mountain that I’d conquered and I CAN NOT stop thinking or talking about it.

I’ve realized that it’s my life’s purpose.

I’m not sure if that’s how you feel but that is completely how I feel. My struggle was so deep and so hard, and the way that I feel now, the feeling of peace. There’s really no going all the way back.

So, do it! I am here for you and for that!

Thanks again, Matthew!

I would like to invite you, Matthew and all of the listeners out there to join me in the Magnificent Souls Facebook Community where I go LIVE every Thursday evening at 9 pm Pacific Time. We can chat, you can ask questions, and we can just hang for a bit. I will link it up and I’ll see you then!

So, today, I wanted to discuss feelings. I’ve been interviewing quite a few people for the podcast, which you’ll see coming up, and I always ask them the same opening question which is “What do you know about codependency? And/or how has it touched your life?”

I find it interesting that most of the explanations, definitions, and stories that people have and associate with codependency have to do with feelings.

Like, I hear this one a lot, “needing someone to need me,” which, I guess, is codependency easily explained, but for some reason, it doesn’t sit well with me.

Maybe because that paradigm just seems so simple, so textbook.

Which, if you’ve been listening here a lot, I don’t think codependency is textbook, I think at its core, we do all harbor fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity, but I think that we all manifest them in different ways.

It’s kind of a weird paradox because I know that a lot of you out there listening share a similar story to mine, which explains why so many people are writing into the Epiphany Vault, but for me, the definition of wanting you to want me, just doesn’t do it for me.

That’s why I kind of branched out on my own with the way that I define it, which is a complete break from oneself.

I don’t know, I’m kind of rambling here, but the topic today is about feelings and I have questions.

Do we absorb others’ feelings?

Do we even have feelings?

Do we feel our feelings?

Are these things that we control?

Consciously or subconsciously?

I’m going to try to hash these out from my experience with codependency and see what you can relate to and let me know if anything comes up.

Do we absorb others’ feelings?

Walking on eggshells, definitely yes. 

Because we have no boundaries, we don’t know when the self ends and begins, yes, I think that we can easily absorb others feelings. 

Sometimes, it’s so easy for us, we don’t even know that we’re doing it. 

Because I’ve become hyper-aware of my tendencies to absorb, sometimes I can literally sense negativity in my environment, let’s say at work, through my body and my pores.

This is all wrapped up into one big ole ball of control because sometimes we might think that if we take on the feelings of someone else, something will happen. 

With control, we are always looking for something in return.

If I do this one thing, he or she will like me…

If I do this one thing, he or she won’t feel so bad anymore…

If I do this one thing, this or that will be better…

If I tiptoe around the house, I won’t make him mad. 

I got really really good at tiptoeing. 

I got so good at tiptoeing and taking on the feelings of others that I lost myself. I lost myself for a long time.

This is a weird thing that I’m experiencing right now as I try to look back on who I was. 

Did I have feelings?

I personally think that my personal development was stunted. I think that a majority of the feelings I had were the feelings I was “supposed” to have if that makes any sense at all.

Most of the time, that feeling was happy. 

I learned how to be happy even when I wasn’t happy and I think that stunted my growth because I wasn’t nurtured into feeling and expressing my true feelings.

I’m trying to remember when I was happy and normally it had to do with someone else or achievement that I made professionally or in sports.

I’m not saying that my life was one big farce, but what I am saying is by absorbing other’s feelings and by inserting other’s goals as my goals, my life was steered in one direction.

None of this was conscious, I didn’t think at the time, oh, he is feeling mad, so maybe I should absorb that negative energy to try to make him feel better. 

This was an unconscious reaction, they want to make him feel better was an unconscious reaction. 

I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know how to hold space because my walls were so thin. Enmeshment, yep, that’s the word.

Now, if someone that I’m close to is angry, I let them be angry and know that their anger has nothing to do with me. 

I can hold my own space while offering support, but, now, that does not include feeling bad because someone else feels bad.

Do you know what else is interesting about feelings? 

I got to such a deep place of unhappiness and despair that I really just felt numb and out of touch with my self, hence my definition of codependency.

I think this happened at a young age and only got worse as I got older. 

That young, coping skill moved with me through adulthood and it didn’t serve me well.

But, looking back, I’m not even sure I was connected to my feelings at all.

Which makes sense now.

Which is why I felt so numb in a deep depression. 

Some interesting stuff that I have been studying recently is the body’s response to trauma, like deep depression. 

We’ve talked about fight or flight here on the podcast but I don’t think that I’ve spent much time on shutdown. 

I definitely will in a future episode, but essentially, that’s what I was doing.

I was in such a bad place, such a hard way, that I lost feeling, and I felt numb.

That was my way of coping (although not consciously, I didn’t know it), but that was the way that I responded to trauma.

I love talking about stuff like this because it is always so eye-opening to me when I can connect the dots. 

I’ve also heard people say that codependency is the disease of control. 

Definitely dis-ease, but I do think that control, whether we know it or not, fits prominently in why we act the way that we do.

That’s all for today Magnificent Souls.

Until next time.

Livin’ and Lovin’ 💗

Lilli