Unhealed emotional wounds

One thing that I have learned through my healing is how susceptible I once was to other people’s feelings.
Other people’s mistakes.
Other people’s idiosyncrasies.
& other people’s desires.

Putting other people, jobs, & goals first was my default setting for a long time.

This wasn’t conscious.
I was asleep.

I hadn’t learned what it felt like to make my own decisions yet.
I hadn’t learned what it felt like to feel emotions that were mine.
I hadn’t learned what it felt like to be my own being.
I hadn’t learned what it felt like to know what I need.

The cycle of enmeshment & then abandonment & then enmeshment & then abandonment lead me to a place where shame & blame were common.

I was so deep in other people (read: family, toxic relationships, jobs, money) that I lost myself.

My sense of self was so warped it lead me to:
cope with food, drugs, alcohol, & sex.
procrastinate healthy decisions because it felt scary.
try “life-changing” things that weren’t really aligned with me like fad diets & “beauty” enhancements.
pursue emotionally unavailable & toxic men.
move from job to job searching for identity & outside success.
have suicidal ideations.

Here’s the thing, the day that I reached my breaking point, it almost felt like a clearing, like a reckoning, like something bigger than I could even fathom was tapping me on the shoulder.

That was the day that I knew something needed to change.
That was the day that I took one step closer to myself.
That was the day that I realized that claiming myself as FIRST was what I needed to do.

And, well, it worked.
Big change happens in small incremental changes.
And that was true with me.

I up-leveled when I was finally ready to accept outside support.
I knew I needed help when all of the things that I knew were wrong for me kept happening. I knew why but I didn’t know how.

And today, with the support team assembled, here’s what I’m rockin’:
Freedom, peace, & love flowing through me like the ocean.
More joy, less pain.
Loving relationships where I can be ME, not a shell of me.
Boundaries with relationships as they evolve & change.
Values & decisions made from an internal, guiding compass.
Basking in sacred love.
Commas in my bank account by living my life’s mission.

Let my journey be your accelerant.

I want you to get there quicker than I did.
I believe that’s why I’m here.

In big love,
💗Lilli