Greetings Magnificent Souls to the Attract Health Build Wealth Podcast where we have open and honest discussions about ourselves.
This is a place where we breakdown, breakaway, and breakthrough codependency allowing ourselves to attract health, build wealth, and live a peaceful life.
We are tired of being sick and tired. We are tired, but we are not giving up. We KNOW that there is something magnificent inside of us.
Because we are fighting daily, hourly, and by the minute: fighting ourselves, our kids, our spouses, we have to do things differently.
We have to break the cycle. We don’t have a million chances. We have to be happy, NOW. We have to find a way. So how do we do that? How is that possible?
If you look around at what society is telling you, they’d tell you that what we’re doing is impossible.
Yet, it’s happening.
Every.
Single.
Day.
It’s happening through the practice and love that we call Awakening the Magnificent Soul.
We are all Magnificent Souls, and these are our stories of healing!
Today on Episode 52, I wanted to dive into a listener by the name of Howard’s entry into the Epiphany Vault. We talk about all of the work that he’s been doing so far and about letting go of the shame that he has towards his mom.
But, before we get into the discussion, don’t forget let me know your thoughts about this episode, any feedback you have or anything you would like me to cover on future podcasts at epiphanyvault.com Remember, it is a safe place and I would welcome the discussion.
One announcement before we get into the podcast is that, if you follow me on social media, you have probably seen that I have opened up the waitlist for for someone who is ready to go through transformational change through my Codependent to Connected 1:1 Coaching Program. This program is essential if you are at a place in your life where you know you need help and you want to have healthy relationships with yourself and others in a trusting and safe environment. My mission is to help you get there. Here is the link to the waitlist for the next round of openings. Then, we will get on a complimentary discovery call where we will go over where you are and the glorious transformation that is awaiting you and any other questions you may have. If you are looking for a sign, this may be it.
Moving on to the Epiphany Vault, a wonderful Magnificent Soul by the name of Howard wrote in and is allowing me to share his story. So, here goes.
Howard writes:
“I have been working on myself for a good few years now, and for the most part I have overcome so much.... 20 years of depression being the biggest thing to conquer and for that I am proud and kicking the tablets that left me so numb. More recently having got myself to a good place after my divorce 5 years ago... I started dating again, only to find that all the pain that i had felt within my marriage resurfaced each time I got close to someone. I purchased a book... " Conquering Shame and Codependancy" by Darlene Lancer... and i think i finally understand!
I am codependant, and i attract people that want a codependant in ther lives! Acknowledging this in itself feels like a huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. It explains so much why most of my life i have felt empty. Devoid of any passion or love for anything other than my beautiful daughter, however I am starting to see myself in her and that hurts so much. I have spent my entire life (from others point of view) as a self centred person only caring for myself.... which is furthest from the truth.... i care deeply.... but i have no idea how to show it without getting hurt in the process. Whever someone gets close to me, I shut them out at the first sign that I am not being approved of... i feel so much shame when I am not approved of by someone i care about, I feel so much shame for feeling the feelings i do when someone admonishes me, and I feel a failure as a parent now that I see these traits appearing in my daughter. For the most part it barely affects me if it is someone I don't know, but a work colleague, friend or lover.... well they may as well stab me in the heart.
So today I vow to myself that I will work through this and I will heal, now that I can see where all of the feelings I experience stem from, a child hood devoid of love and nurture. I stumbled across the Attract Health, Build Wealth podcast, and was please to find somewhere I feel safe to share these feelings.... for in the wrong hands.... i will feel more shame.
My first question is "Where do i start in letting go of the shame i feel towards my mum, who I almost entirely blame for not giving the nurturing love that a parent should give their child? I accept that she had her own upbringing that shaped her, and forgive her for that, but why do i still feel shame still whenever I am in her presence? Why do i feel shame because I do not wish to see her much, or communicate with her? She is not the type that can be changed, so confrontation of my feelings with her would lead me to more shame.
Thank you for being part of my journey.”
Howard, I am so honored that you have found the show and that you have resonated with it, and, that you feel enough trust to write in.
I know that takes a lot, so thank you for allowing me to show up for you.
I, also, want to acknowledge and congratulate you on the work that you have done thus far. I know how much dedication it takes to get to where you are. I know how eye-opening and freeing it can be as well.
So, I want to sit in joy with you for a moment for bringing your darkness to the light. I am proud of you and I hope that you are proud of yourself for finally claiming your worth after years of not being able to.
This is AMAZING AMAZING work.
It sounds to me, Howard like you are on the verge of another transformational change and I want to tell you that this is normal. There is only so much work that we can do by ourselves, it is MAJOR healing work that you have done. I do not want to discount that whatsoever, but what I’ve found is that people do tend to hit a wall when they are on their own (me included).
Before I dive in, I want to first state my usual disclaimer is that this podcast is a sole expression of my experiences and does not replace medical or therapeutic professional advice. If you, Howard, or anyone listening out there thinks that you would benefit from a medical or therapeutic professional, please set yourself up with an appointment.
I want to set the stage for the podcast today because, thematically, I think it’s a great segway, in general, of what I see happening a lot lately with recovery from codependency.
There are a ton of resources at our disposal: books, free resources online, and just a worldwide web of just goodness. You could spend decades and decades on all of the free materials out there, which is amazing.
The unfortunate thing about recovery is that it is lonely.
It’s lonely in a virtual world, but it’s lonely because recovery is a deep look inside yourself.
And, for the longest time, you have been avoiding just that.
So, I just want you to know that I empathize with that feeling. I know it’s there.
But, we want to get to a place where we are okay being alone and with ourselves, and in so doing, we will be able to invite and continue healthy relationships into our lives.
To be human is to be connected. The right connection is to be loved, deeply, by yourself and others.
Howard, before I get into your questions specifically, I want to tell you that the hardest work that I’ve had to do personally with my clients AND with myself is this next transformational step….which is those questions that are you asking.
This step is a deeper look into yourself.
You’ve done an amazing job pointing out your codependent patterns and behaviors. You’ve put it together that these have stemmed from your life in childhood where trauma and adverse childhood experiences contributed to who you are today.
This is the work. That’s awesome.
Like, when you mentioned that the pain in your marriage kept resurfacing each time you got close to someone.
I love that you have recognized that pattern.
Now, we have to figure out why, in your body, your mind, your soul, why you are unconsciously resisting that connection.
It’s not something that I can do here on the podcast, but it is something I want to point out that is next level deep.
It’s actually the deepest.
That’s the next step. When you clear that block and learn to work through that block when it comes up, that is the most powerful thing that you can do for yourself.
And, on to your core question which is:
Where do i start in letting go of the shame i feel towards my mum, who I almost entirely blame for not giving the nurturing love that a parent should give their child? I accept that she had her own upbringing that shaped her, and forgive her for that, but why do i still feel shame still whenever I am in her presence? Why do i feel shame because I do not wish to see her much, or communicate with her? She is not the type that can be changed, so confrontation of my feelings with her would lead me to more shame.
Howard, I know the type that you speak of. I have clients that know too. It sounds like you have a family member who may not be completely accepting of your journey to health?
Does that sound about right?
When you around these family members, it is awkward and fused with negativity.
I want to first point out, that I encourage you to be very patient with yourself.
In fact, I would try to keep that top of mind.
Why? Because when you are around these family members, you feel triggered. It’s like the old you just pops up out of nowhere. And you feel bad about it.
Not only is it discouraging and shameful, but you feel more and more bad about it because you have let that person go.
So, as best you can, figure out ways to meditate or breathe to bring forth patience as best you can.
But, more importantly, after you leave her presence, be very aware of the conversation you are having with yourself. Those negative thoughts and feelings are not your fault.
The thing you have to realize about the new you, Howard, is that you no longer need other people’s love to make you feel whole and complete. Your love is enough. Yes, the RIGHT love and the RIGHT connection is welcome in your life.
So, you have to ask yourself what is right for you…that’s not a question that I can answer for you.
My suggestion would be to start a journaling practice. I don’t know if you do this already but this will be a transformational outlet that not only allows you to let go of some of the baggage but will allow you to connect to your own true self and desires.
You ask where you can start letting go of the shame I feel towards your mom. Howard, what if I told you that you could just let it go, right now? Like a leaf in the wind?
You might say to me, hey, it’s not that easy, but I tell you that it is. To get there, takes work, yes, but it is possible.
Those familial patterns are very hard to break, but sometimes, it’s in the little choices that you make.
In fact, I think you might have already answered the question yourself in what you wrote. It seems as if you already know that being around her is unhealthy for you, and, as we said, that is an amazing start.
Journaling on this may be helpful as well, because, if I had to guess, there is a part inside of you that is perpetuating that shame. We have to find that part, and make friends with it, and tell it it’s okay.
I hope that makes some sense today Howard.
Thank you, again, for writing in.
Much love!
Livin’ & Lovin’ 💗
Lilli